Miracle... in the 25th Hour

All those hours checking lineups and add/dropping players. This is what it's for. This is what it feels like to be a champion. All that time spent in the training room and the film room, looking at tendencies, reading stat reports, day-trading pitchers, talking with scouts... The time away from my kids, watching them grow up through emails and late-night phone calls. Was it worth it? Probably not, but this is as good as it gets in the fantasy world.

This is the email I sent this morning to some friends:

An angel came down from the heavens last night in the form of a stat correction from almost 2 weeks ago. Roy Oswalt was given 2 earned runs from a start on 9/16 that were previously counted as unearned. The significance of this is that I went to sleep last night knowing that I took second place and all of mankind would have to deal with gingers’ collective rise to power. The forces of good (baseball stat guy) came together with a brilliant plan to put them down.

At 3:15 pm things looked great. Ubaldo was pitching the game of his life, 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 K. I dropped below him in ERA by.06. At 3:30 pm disaster struck. Jonathan Papelbon was put in the game by Francona. They were down 2 runs in the top of the 9th. There was no reason for this. Papelbon then proceeded to give up 3 earned runs. My ERA went above his by .04. Ubaldo became my only hope. Ubaldo made quick work of the D-backs. 112 pitches. 7 (seemingly) perfect innings. ERA is now .01 above his. One more inning and I have it. Then disaster struck. Hurdle inserted a pinch hitter. Something about, “not destroying his young arm.” Come on, I have a pennant to win.

A .01 loss.

Then this morning. Jubilation. A bitchy message post by the ginger. Satisfaction. Eff you Papelbon, you will never be on my team again and you are officially on the Man-Hate list. Ubaldo, why I gave up on you, nobody knows.

Am I a loser? Probably. But I'm a loser with $250 extra dollars in my pocket that I will now put in the TV fund for Black Friday. HD here I come!

Thanks for running the league Deuce and thanks for the boost in the finals. What I didn't mention was the email Deuce received on Thursday from the guy I was playing:

You can ship my $375 ($100 for regular season, $250 for playoffs, $50 for side bet less $25 to make up for the deadbeats) to the address below. Thanks again for the invite.

Looks like that check will be $150 lighter. But at least you got a healthy dose of karma and a Brewers playoff berth.

Just to thrust that shiv in one more time, the finals MVP is the above pictured Ubaldo Jimenez for his 7 inning, 10K, shutout performance yesterday. The season MVP goes to...

-PSon

Great Moments In Unintentionally Homoerotic Filmmaking

It takes a real man to ditch their inhibitions and engage in a questionable montage. They just don't make them like they made them in the 80s, the golden era of the homoerotic montage. Here are some of the best.

5. Brett Favre just having fun with the boys.

Brett Favre has always proven to be a trail blazer, and he's not afraid to take things back to the days when guys playing football in questionable attire was all the rage. You know, when you could just go out and play football with your best guy friends and everybody wanted to play O or D line so they can smile and put their hands all over each other. How many blockers do you need Brett?



4. Kevin Bacon gets loose.

Kevin Bacon, the quintessential 80s actor in probably the best solo dance scene of all time. Kevin Bacon cements his place in the annals of great homoerotic scenes with the under appreciated solo punch dance scene. Most guys put holes in walls when they are angry, Kevin Bacon thrusts his hips about, alone in an empty warehouse.



3. Slider, Cerrano, Sheen, and guy in pink shorts knock around a few balls.

Navy Seals, one of my favorite movies of all time contained a little known, but classic montage. Just a few guys having fun, playing golf, and performing choreographed golf cart routines. The attire in this clip really ties it all together. Come on Charlie, if a guy wants to run his club down your crack, you'd better let him.



2. Cruise, Kilmer, and friends lube up to side out.

In perhaps the greatest upset since Giants/Patriots, the Top Gun volleyball scene is not the most homoerotic montage of all time. Who would have thought a classic fighter pilot movie would break out during your average lubed up, tension filled weekend volleyball game. Lost amid the action is Kenny Loggins cementing his status as the go-to guy for homoerotic movie montage music.



1. Rocky and Creed move in unison to a silent tune.

Not much to say, the video says it all. A timeless example of former enemies sharing a friendship that transcends the word. Two boxers in their primes running on the beach, dancing back to chest, and wrestling in the water. Nothing wrong with that.



-PSon

Charlie Weis - Doubful ("Turkey Lodged In Gullet"-like Symptoms)

Rhetorical Questions on a Wednesday Morning

• How hard did Matt Cassel shit his pants when he found out Brady was hurt? We're talking about a guy who hadn't started a game since high school. He seemed perfectly content with riding the pine, holding a clipboard, and cupping Brady's balls. Serious doubts need to be raised about a person's ability to start in the NFL when they spent their entire career backing somebody up and never got the itch to transfer. Now he's playing for the most ruthless coach in the league and playing with a bunch of guys who took pay cuts to be part of something special.


• Has anybody seen Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps in the same room at the same time?



• Has there ever been a bigger sham than Charlie Weis' coaching career? Both him and Romeo Crennel parlay their brush with Bela-chick's genius into head coaching jobs. Crennel has had mixed results. Weis basically rode Tyrone Willingham's recruits to a strong start but since those guys graduated, he has coached Notre Dame to new levels of ineptitude.
  
• If the Yankees miss the playoffs in the middle of the forest, do they make a sound?

• Did Hank Aaron have Barry Bonds killed? Has anybody heard from him?

• How did Brett Favre throw so many picks in his career with that "rocket arm"? More importantly, how many would he have thrown if he had Chad Pennington's arm? The Chargers' defenders spent the entire game Monday night having balls bounce off their arms and chest. Even Cromartie (who had 2 INTs in the game) had at least one easy drop (that I can remember).

• Did Javon Walker's career die with Darrent Williams? I can only hope that this is the most tragic event that will ever happen to the Broncos. I was in a daze for weeks. Then it came out that the incident came about (allegedly) because Walker was spraying champagne over a nightclub crowd. Who doesn't like that? Turns out a couple of Denver thugs didn't like that. A good friend died. Walker didn't learn his lesson. Earlier this year at a Las Vegas club, Walker was seen doing the same thing. Same result except this time the karma got him. Walker was assaulted and left to bleed on the streets of Las Vegas. Now he's toiling away in Oakland. Please note - Brandon Marshall was actually the one who was allegedly spraying the crowd on that fateful New Year's night. Point still stands however. Walker has seen what these things can do to people. Maybe it's best not to floss at a nightclub when you don't know who might be there and might take offense.
  

-PSon

Great Athletes of the Silver Screen: Willie "Mays" Hayes

"Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes." - Willie "Mays" Hayes

"Well, You run like Mays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you're supposed to lay one down and beat it out. Every time I see you pop one up, you owe me 20 push-ups." - Lou Brown

"No problem. [pops a ball up] Shit. [does push-ups]." -Willie "Mays" Hayes

ATHLETE: WILLIE "MAYS" HAYES

ACTOR: WESLEY SNIPES/OMAR EPPS

MOVIE: MAJOR LEAGUE (1989) / MAJOR LEAGUE II (1994)

DOMINANT SPORT: BASEBALL, NARCISSISM, RUNNING BAREFOOT

LOVE INTEREST: HIMSELF

ENEMY: TEAM OWNER RACHEL PHELPS, NEW YORK YANKEES, OPPOSING CATCHERS, DELUSIONS OF POWER HITTING, JACK PARKMAN


MISSION: MAKE A MAJOR LEAGUE TEAM, PUT ON A HITTING DISPLAY, STEAL 100 BASES IN A SEASON, HIT LIKE MAYS, RUN LIKE HAYES


REAL-LIFE COUNTERPART: RICKEY HENDERSON


Frankly, every character in Major League deserves their own profile. "Wild Thing" Rick Vaughn, superstitious power hitter Pedro Cerrano, cagey catcher Jake Taylor, aging third baseman Roger Dorn, and even the underrated pitcher Eddie Harris ("Yo bartender, Jobu needs a refill"). The second Hayes came on the screen, he electrified the audience with his mix of athleticism and self-confidence. Hayes was a non-invitee to camp but he stole the show in the 40 when he came from 10 yards back to smoke two fellow players, while wearing his pajamas and running barefoot.

Hayes' delusions of being a power hitter were quickly squashed by the Indians coach who forced Hayes to do push ups every time he hit a pop up which happens often when you have warning track power. Hayes soon made it a goal to steal 100 bases in a season, a much more attainable goal for Willie's skill set ("I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.").

The five best Willie "Mays" Hayes moments were:

1. The first game of the year when Hayes tried to steal second and wound up a good 2 feet short on the head-first slide into second.
2. Hayes' memorable performance in the American Express commercial, "American Express, don't steal home without it."
3. Hayes hits a pop up and does push ups at the plate before the ball even hits the ground.
4. Hayes hits a pop up between first and second. He sprints behind the waiting fielder and screams, "I got it, I got it." Fielder backs off, ball drops, Hayes is safe at second.
5. In Major League II, Hayes tells White Sox catcher (and former Indians catcher) Jack Parkman that when comes home, he's not going to slide. Fast forward and Hayes comes around third with a head of steam, lowers his shoulder, and when Parkman crouches he jumps over him. Game over.

-PSon

Ed Hochuli Support Group

This was going to be an Ed Hochuli Fan Club post, but that was before he blew the call broken down by the Prodigal Son below. Now, Ed needs more than just a run of the mill "Fan Club". He needs a support group.

First things first. If you don't know why Ed Hochuli deserves a fan club, first look at him. Then listen to this: http://www.790theticket.com/audioplayer.php?mp3=1650228446Ed%20Hochuli%20
Interview-%207-18-07.mp3&show=The+Dan+Le+Betard+Show+
with+Stugotz&id=2775

Idiot Host: "Should I punch Dan Lebatard in the face?"
Hochuli: "Can I say Please?"

Now I wasn't able to find the clip, but a few years ago there was a TV show that followed Ed Hochuli through his daily routine. Here is the 24 hour breakdown:

-Inseminating women to ensure proliferation of his MAN genes: 2 hours
-Depositing sperm to be used for artificial insemination of woman whose husbands could inseminate them, but would rather have Hochuli up in them: 2 hours-Injecting ster...errrrrrrrrrr protein shakes into his blood stream: 2 hours
-Watching tape of his previous week's performance and brutally criticizing the most minute errors: 4 hours
-Hammering a wedge underneath the Universal machine at the gym so he could then Bench press it: 1 second
-Bench Pressing the Universal machine at the gym: 13 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds

Man. I couldn't help but get a little caught up in how jacked Ed Hochuli is. I really meant to focus on the fact that his little show on ESPN revealed how brutally self-critical he is. He was pissed because his hand signal for a penalty wasn't crisp enough. Last night, he flat out changed the outcome of a game between two playoff hopefuls. I'm praying he doesn't leave the house without his cell phone.

Re-Charged

The Broncos achieved a thrilling victory yesterday against their bitter rivals, the San Diego Chargers. In probably the most controversial finish since "The Tuck Rule" game, the Broncos did their best to choke a 31-17 half time lead.

It was truly a tale of two halves. Cutler threw most of his 350 yards and notched 3 TDs in the first half but Denver's offense went cold in the second. Up by one point late in the 4th, Cutler threw an ill-advised 3rd down pass on the goal line for his only INT. It set up a long receiving TD by Darren Sproles who continues to destroy the Broncos every time they play.

Down by 7, Cutler led the Broncos the length of the field. This is when the controversy began. After rolling out on a bootlegged play, Cutler attempted to fire the ball into the end zone. The ball slipped out of his hand before his hand started its forward motion. The nearest referee blew his whistle and signalled an incomplete pass while a Chargers defender recovered the loose ball. Replays indicated it was a fumble but because the ref blew his whistle, it was a dead ball the second it hit the ground. Bronco ball. 3rd down. Draw play to the 2. Cutler fires to Royal on 4th down. Touchdown. Shanny signals for the gutsy 2-point conversion, Cutler again threads one to Royal for the 1 point lead. Heartbreak for the Chargers.

My take on the play and the game in general? The Broncos win and take a gigantic 2 game lead in the division. Should they have won? Probably not. Cutler said it himself in the post game press conference, "Fumble I think...". What can you do, the official got the play wrong on the field but Ed Hochuli (in all his beefy glory) made the correct interpretation. The Broncos got lucky twice (earlier in the game they won a replay because of equipment malfunction) and won the game. It happens. Luckily it was in the Broncos favor this time.

Cutler had a monster game once again and he acknowledged that his two blemishes almost cost the Broncos a game. He learned a valuable lesson without having to lose the game. Brandon Marshall came back from his one game "personal conduct" suspension and caught 18 balls for 166 yards against one of the best corners in the league. Cutler threw 50 balls. Marshall and Royal had a touchdown apiece. Scheffler had 2. The high octane Broncos are back. Terrible defense, terribly exciting offense. Can't wait for the next one.

-PSon

Beanie Wells - Doubtful (Gunshot)

This was the sickening scene two Saturdays ago during Ohio State's drubbing of Youngstown State. The Buckeyes' conquering hero when down in a split second, no doubt the victim of sniper fire. Words couldn't express the deep pain and sadness felt by Buckeye Nation. These feelings which normally lay dormant until an early-January crushing defeat, were all too real in a matter of moments.

"I don't understand it, one moment he was eluding a limp-wristed arm tackle by a Division I-AA opponent. Then all of a sudden he dropped the ball and fell in a heap, screaming in agony," said senior QB Todd Boeckman. The Zapruder-like video below shows the incident although there is no actual video of any gunman. It can be assumed that he was shot, given the fact that he dropped the ball and seeing the immense pain Wells was experiencing.



Conspiracy theorists suggest a fanatical USC booster could be the culprit. Recent "improper benefits" allegations have plagued USC's program so money is tight. Only the first string and select second teamers have been awarded with traditionally lavish gifts so they have had to look elsewhere to get an edge on the competition. It looks like they may have succeeded as Beanie is listed as doubtful for the game.

The Ascension of Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler is a man. He has answered the question as to who is the best quarterback from the 2006 NFL draft. Matt Leinart (drunk) and Vince Young (crazy) were both drafted ahead of Cutler but he seems to be the only one of the three who both cares about football enough to work to make himself better and has the mental fortitude to stand in the face of detractors and ball like he should.

Cutler put on a clinic Monday while playing without his best receiver. He hit guys in stride on tough routes and systematically picked apart the much lauded tandem of Nnamdi Asomugha and DeAngelo Hall. Yeah I know it was the Raiders but his real test comes this weekend against the San Diego Chargers and resident toolbox, Philip Rivers. You might remember the shit-talking clinic Rivers tried to put on Cutler as the seconds were waning in the Chargers drubbing of the Broncos. Hey Phil, Cutler is back and his swagger is more pronounced than ever.

The reason for Cutler's rise can be attributed to shedding his horribly debilitating meth addiction. The unkempt hair and mammoth bags under his eyes are clear signs of a meth-head and much like my hero Hammie, Jay has risen from the depths to take his rightful place next to John Elway in Bronco lore. An heir to the throne has surfaced.

Note: While looking for pictures of Cutler, I could only find pictures of this guy. This is the picture that made we want to vomit the least.

Folding Landry

If you haven't seen this yet, enjoy. This is what happens when you try to lower the shoulder on a 250 lb man running at full speed. Brandon Jacobs doesn't have time for your piddling arm tackles. Next time just throw yourself at his feet and hope he trips on your limp body. Getting whiplash and having your chest stepped on is not the way to prolong your career.

Same Ol' Mississippi Boy

Just to show that some things never change, Jet Favre came out of the gates with a couple of breathtaking wounded duck TD tosses. Watch this second one, the pass is only 20-30 yards but Brett heaves it end over end about 50 yards in the air. I think the receiver was confused and called for a fair catch. Maybe he was trying to save the Jets receivers from having to deal with his "rocket arm."

Don't Tell My Heart...

Listen. I'm a NY guy. I'm a big Yankees guy. But, with the exception of the Yankees, I don't really perceive sports in any emotional context. I like athletes who play the game well. I like smart athletes whose intelligence shows on the field.

Thanks to all the national media coverage that the "Boston Vs. New York" rivalry has received recently, all U.S. Americans know that NY sports fans hate Boston sports fans and vice versa. Boston fans love to talk about NY's lack of chemistry, the fact that they try to buy championships. If you don't know exactly what most NY sports fans hate about Boston fans, listen to Jay Mohr's Boston take which was posted by the Prodigal Son a few weeks ago on this blog. The point: Boston sports fans are douchebags. Maybe Yankee fans are arrogant and condescending. But why wouldn't they be? They're the best franchise in the game's history and it's not close. I'm part of the NY hate on Boston.

But all of this is preface to the biggest news of the NFL's opening weekend. Tom Brady is out for the season with "a serious knee injury". Look at him. I hate Boston, and I love Tom Brady. That is a love against all odds, a beautiful story. I was sitting at a bar with 30 TV's in Williamsburg, VA a few years ago. I remember everything. Cool, crisp day. The bar had it's windows open, and I was about to ask them to close them because I had a chill. When I turned around (to the left) to find my waiter and make my request, my eyes passed over a TV showing a male model in what seemed to be an elaborate commercial resembling a football game. He was floating up above the pocket on a cloud. He hit some extra 70 yards down the field, in stride, for a touchdown. But then it hit me. A hot flash. Keep that window open Mr. Waiter. It wasn't a commercial. He wasn't a model. It was Tom Brady. That "extra" was one of New England's hapless receivers trying not to embarrass himself by dropping one of the 30 passes that Brady would put into his receivers' hands that day. A few years later, N.E. would get Brady some real targets, and what do you know! He throws more touchdowns in a year than anyone in the history of the NFL.

This is a sad day, my friends, my enemies. Boston or NY. America or Africa. It doesn't matter. Tom has fallen. He will rise again. Pray with me for 8000 puff pieces on what underwear commercials Tom's doing with all his free time.

Fantasy Football Nation

Check out this video of Chris Cooley's Redskins Fantasy Draft which I saw on Deadspin but was also forwarded to me by my boy Popes:



This is an example of when a fantasy draft goes well. Everyone is having a good time, staying loose, not taking things too seriously. Much like my Bravo Fantasy League draft (gotta give a shout out to my boys on the camping trip... Wood Up, Stay High). Problem is, nobody is really taking the league seriously. Notice how former Colorado exhibitionist and Hawaii hero Colt Brennan provides a crowd pleasing first round pick of Ohio State hater, LenDale White.

When drafts go poorly, you're in for 4 hours of retread jokes. It's like everybody is reading the same Fantasy Football For Dummies book, complete with "joke" templates so you can fill in as needed. Here are some examples:

1. "Hey, If you need another RB, I heard (insert retired football player) is still available." Hahahahahahaha

2. "Hey guys, I heard (insert lambasted QB) is looking good in (insert team)'s camp." Hahahahahahaha.

3. When the draft reaches the later rounds, "Hey, is (insert obvious top 5 pick) still available?" Hahahahahaha

4. The obligatory "HOMER" call when a guy drafts somebody from their favorite team, even if it's the right spot in the draft or the guy has dropped a few rounds further than he should have. Hahahahahahahaha.

5. The standard name mispronunciations or lame "this name sounds like" jokes such as, "I'll take SanAntonio Holmes", or "I'll take T.J. Whosh-your-mama." Hahahahahaha, wow... good stuff.

6. "Hey, I don't see (insert name of player just taken) on my list. Oh yeah there he is, way down at the bottom." Hahahahahaha.

7. Joey Harrington jokes.

8. Ricky Williams drug references.

9. Using the word sleeper.

Here are things that are funny:

1. Guys with draft sheets and magazines that are 3 months old.

2. Guys who get too drunk.

3. Guys who draft players that are on IR.

4. Brett Favre in the first round.

5. Guys who draft the Bears' Adrian Peterson in a live Yahoo draft instead of the Vikings' Adrian Peterson. This is not to be confused with guy who makes joke about whether you drafted the Bears' Peterson or the Vikings' Peterson. That guy is a tool.

6. Guys who draft kickers in the 5th Round.

7. Guys who draft a top 5 quarterback and say, "I know I'm reaching but this guy is my sleeper, I'll take Ben Roethlisberger."

8. "I'll take (insert name of Bears QB)." If this were a Beirut draft, I'd be all about it but we're going for guys who throw TDs, not ping pong balls and INTs.

-PSon (trying not to look past the fantasy baseball playoffs)

When Man-Love dies...

Few could imagine the cold, black hand that has seized my heart... and may never let me go. The golden one... he of the soft, flowing hair... the second coming... our one true hope... is gone. Done for the season. And as he marches into the black, so follow our hopes, our dreams.

I have a fickle heart. Many athletes bounce within my view, I grow fond of them, but when their production wanes, I simply toss them aside. But this year, my heart found a home. It was the steely black eyes. The hunched, crouched stance at the place. The ease with which fly balls turned into home runs. He had a name,  we called him Q!. Not Q. But Q!.

And now it's over. The romance is gone. As Autumn turns it's steely gaze on the midwest, as leaves turn brown and begin to fall, as the sun moves to hide. Dark days bring dark news. 

He is fallen.

-bb13

Great Athletes of the Silver Screen: Teen Wolf

As part of an ongoing effort to bring the best and worst of the sports world to you the reader, I will be posting a series of profiles on some of the biggest ballers to grace the silver screen. Think about some of your favorite movie characters and how they absolutely dominated their opponents. They could one day be profiled on this blog. Their day may come soon.

ATHLETE: TEEN WOLF (SCOTT HOWARD)

ACTOR: MICHAEL J. FOX

MOVIE: TEEN WOLF (1985)

DOMINANT SPORT: BASKETBALL, SHOTGUNNING BEERS

LOVE INTEREST: RESIDENT SCHOOL HOTTIE, HOMELY BEST FRIEND

ENEMY: MICK MCALLISTER (STAR JOCK FROM RIVAL SCHOOL, POSSIBLE *ALLEGEDLY* HOMOSEXUAL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER)

MISSION: THROW DOWN THUNDEROUS DUNKS, BREAK ANKLES, TEACH FAT FRIEND HOW TO BE A HERO, MAKE LADIES WEAK IN THE KNEES, LEARN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS, MAKE DOUCHEY ANTAGONIST LOOK LIKE IMPOTENT PRICK BY BEATING HIM WITH NERD SKILLS, WIN OUR HEARTS

Teen Wolf is perhaps the greatest sports movie involving nerds turning into hairy creatures and dominating the hardwood. It's pretty much every nerd's dream. Wake up one night to the sound of your own screams as your skin stretches and grows hair at an alarming rate. Scott Howard went from a nobody, a nerd with an entrepreneurial best friend and a penchant for leering at the popular girls, to a feral beast with skills like Lebron and game like Usher. In perhaps the greatest feat of the modern beer drinking era, Teen Wolf drank a beer using only his teeth, forever etching himself in the pantheon of beer pounding greats.

Teen Wolf goes on to dominate the court, but succeeds in alienating his team and best friends. Teen Wolf eventually ditches his man-beast persona and trophy girlfriend but still manages to beat rival Mick McAllister's team with the help of his fat, inept teammates. It goes without saying that Mark Arnold puts in a stellar performance as the Soc-like McAllister, no doubt relegating himself to being typecast in horribly awesome B sports movies. The final scene where McAllister stands under the basketball supports while Howard hits his free throws is riddled with sexual tension. You can't buy acting skills like that.

-PSon

More Than The Lion's Share

Please take the time to read this story, courtesy of Profootballtalk.com

You might have to scroll down until you get to it but you will be happy you did. Former Bronco running back Tatum Bell was allegedly upset about losing his gig so he pilfered new RB Rudi Johnson's bags. Yes folks, I am ready for some football.

-PSon