If you haven't seen this yet, enjoy. This is what happens when you try to lower the shoulder on a 250 lb man running at full speed. Brandon Jacobs doesn't have time for your piddling arm tackles. Next time just throw yourself at his feet and hope he trips on your limp body. Getting whiplash and having your chest stepped on is not the way to prolong your career.
Just to show that some things never change, Jet Favre came out of the gates with a couple of breathtaking wounded duck TD tosses. Watch this second one, the pass is only 20-30 yards but Brett heaves it end over end about 50 yards in the air. I think the receiver was confused and called for a fair catch. Maybe he was trying to save the Jets receivers from having to deal with his "rocket arm."
Listen. I'm a NY guy. I'm a big Yankees guy. But, with the exception of the Yankees, I don't really perceive sports in any emotional context. I like athletes who play the game well. I like smart athletes whose intelligence shows on the field.
Thanks to all the national media coverage that the "Boston Vs. New York" rivalry has received recently, all U.S. Americans know that NY sports fans hate Boston sports fans and vice versa. Boston fans love to talk about NY's lack of chemistry, the fact that they try to buy championships. If you don't know exactly what most NY sports fans hate about Boston fans, listen to Jay Mohr's Boston take which was posted by the Prodigal Son a few weeks ago on this blog. The point: Boston sports fans are douchebags. Maybe Yankee fans are arrogant and condescending. But why wouldn't they be? They're the best franchise in the game's history and it's not close. I'm part of the NY hate on Boston.
But all of this is preface to the biggest news of the NFL's opening weekend. Tom Brady is out for the season with "a serious knee injury". Look at him. I hate Boston, and I love Tom Brady. That is a love against all odds, a beautiful story. I was sitting at a bar with 30 TV's in Williamsburg, VA a few years ago. I remember everything. Cool, crisp day. The bar had it's windows open, and I was about to ask them to close them because I had a chill. When I turned around (to the left) to find my waiter and make my request, my eyes passed over a TV showing a male model in what seemed to be an elaborate commercial resembling a football game. He was floating up above the pocket on a cloud. He hit some extra 70 yards down the field, in stride, for a touchdown. But then it hit me. A hot flash. Keep that window open Mr. Waiter. It wasn't a commercial. He wasn't a model. It was Tom Brady. That "extra" was one of New England's hapless receivers trying not to embarrass himself by dropping one of the 30 passes that Brady would put into his receivers' hands that day. A few years later, N.E. would get Brady some real targets, and what do you know! He throws more touchdowns in a year than anyone in the history of the NFL.
This is a sad day, my friends, my enemies. Boston or NY. America or Africa. It doesn't matter. Tom has fallen. He will rise again. Pray with me for 8000 puff pieces on what underwear commercials Tom's doing with all his free time.
Check out this video of Chris Cooley's Redskins Fantasy Draft which I saw on Deadspin but was also forwarded to me by my boy Popes:
This is an example of when a fantasy draft goes well. Everyone is having a good time, staying loose, not taking things too seriously. Much like my Bravo Fantasy League draft (gotta give a shout out to my boys on the camping trip... Wood Up, Stay High). Problem is, nobody is really taking the league seriously. Notice how former Colorado exhibitionist and Hawaii hero Colt Brennan provides a crowd pleasing first round pick of Ohio State hater, LenDale White.
When drafts go poorly, you're in for 4 hours of retread jokes. It's like everybody is reading the same Fantasy Football For Dummies book, complete with "joke" templates so you can fill in as needed. Here are some examples:
1. "Hey, If you need another RB, I heard (insert retired football player) is still available." Hahahahahahaha
2. "Hey guys, I heard (insert lambasted QB) is looking good in (insert team)'s camp." Hahahahahahaha.
3. When the draft reaches the later rounds, "Hey, is (insert obvious top 5 pick) still available?" Hahahahahaha
4. The obligatory "HOMER" call when a guy drafts somebody from their favorite team, even if it's the right spot in the draft or the guy has dropped a few rounds further than he should have. Hahahahahahahaha.
5. The standard name mispronunciations or lame "this name sounds like" jokes such as, "I'll take SanAntonio Holmes", or "I'll take T.J. Whosh-your-mama." Hahahahahaha, wow... good stuff.
6. "Hey, I don't see (insert name of player just taken) on my list. Oh yeah there he is, way down at the bottom." Hahahahahaha.
7. Joey Harrington jokes.
8. Ricky Williams drug references.
9. Using the word sleeper.
Here are things that are funny:
1. Guys with draft sheets and magazines that are 3 months old.
2. Guys who get too drunk.
3. Guys who draft players that are on IR.
4. Brett Favre in the first round.
5. Guys who draft the Bears' Adrian Peterson in a live Yahoo draft instead of the Vikings' Adrian Peterson. This is not to be confused with guy who makes joke about whether you drafted the Bears' Peterson or the Vikings' Peterson. That guy is a tool.
6. Guys who draft kickers in the 5th Round.
7. Guys who draft a top 5 quarterback and say, "I know I'm reaching but this guy is my sleeper, I'll take Ben Roethlisberger."
8. "I'll take (insert name of Bears QB)." If this were a Beirut draft, I'd be all about it but we're going for guys who throw TDs, not ping pong balls and INTs.
-PSon (trying not to look past the fantasy baseball playoffs)
Few could imagine the cold, black hand that has seized my heart... and may never let me go. The golden one... he of the soft, flowing hair... the second coming... our one true hope... is gone. Done for the season. And as he marches into the black, so follow our hopes, our dreams.
I have a fickle heart. Many athletes bounce within my view, I grow fond of them, but when their production wanes, I simply toss them aside. But this year, my heart found a home. It was the steely black eyes. The hunched, crouched stance at the place. The ease with which fly balls turned into home runs. He had a name, we called him Q!. Not Q. But Q!.
And now it's over. The romance is gone. As Autumn turns it's steely gaze on the midwest, as leaves turn brown and begin to fall, as the sun moves to hide. Dark days bring dark news.
As part of an ongoing effort to bring the best and worst of the sports world to you the reader, I will be posting a series of profiles on some of the biggest ballers to grace the silver screen. Think about some of your favorite movie characters and how they absolutely dominated their opponents. They could one day be profiled on this blog. Their day may come soon.
ATHLETE: TEEN WOLF (SCOTT HOWARD)
ACTOR: MICHAEL J. FOX
MOVIE: TEEN WOLF (1985)
DOMINANT SPORT: BASKETBALL, SHOTGUNNING BEERS
LOVE INTEREST: RESIDENT SCHOOL HOTTIE, HOMELY BEST FRIEND
ENEMY: MICK MCALLISTER (STAR JOCK FROM RIVAL SCHOOL, POSSIBLE *ALLEGEDLY* HOMOSEXUAL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER)
MISSION: THROW DOWN THUNDEROUS DUNKS, BREAK ANKLES, TEACH FAT FRIEND HOW TO BE A HERO, MAKE LADIES WEAK IN THE KNEES, LEARN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS, MAKE DOUCHEY ANTAGONIST LOOK LIKE IMPOTENT PRICK BY BEATING HIM WITH NERD SKILLS, WIN OUR HEARTS
Teen Wolf is perhaps the greatest sports movie involving nerds turning into hairy creatures and dominating the hardwood. It's pretty much every nerd's dream. Wake up one night to the sound of your own screams as your skin stretches and grows hair at an alarming rate. Scott Howard went from a nobody, a nerd with an entrepreneurial best friend and a penchant for leering at the popular girls, to a feral beast with skills like Lebron and game like Usher. In perhaps the greatest feat of the modern beer drinking era, Teen Wolf drank a beer using only his teeth, forever etching himself in the pantheon of beer pounding greats.
Teen Wolf goes on to dominate the court, but succeeds in alienating his team and best friends. Teen Wolf eventually ditches his man-beast persona and trophy girlfriend but still manages to beat rival Mick McAllister's team with the help of his fat, inept teammates. It goes without saying that Mark Arnold puts in a stellar performance as the Soc-like McAllister, no doubt relegating himself to being typecast in horribly awesome B sports movies. The final scene where McAllister stands under the basketball supports while Howard hits his free throws is riddled with sexual tension. You can't buy acting skills like that.
You might have to scroll down until you get to it but you will be happy you did. Former Bronco running back Tatum Bell was allegedly upset about losing his gig so he pilfered new RB Rudi Johnson's bags. Yes folks, I am ready for some football.
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