The Art of the Teabag

Nike was slated to run an ad campaign aimed at people with a sense of humor but earlier this week, word came through the wire that Nike pulled the ad campaign after they received pressure from certain parties. The ads were deemed offensive to certain groups so predictably, Nike pulled the ads. The posters depicted a man on the receiving end of what has become the ultimate display of power in sports, the teabag.

Like the alley oop or the drag bunt, the teabag is an art form. You have to know when to go for it and when not to. For every guy depicted on a poster with another man's package in his grill, there is another who attempted the teabag only to be brutally rejected, ultimately lying on his back like Sonny Liston.

The same goes for the defender. You have to know when to contest a shot and when to get out of the poster. Some guys (Yao Ming) have no shame and they will stand in front of a charging foe like a stiff and invariably take nuts to face on a nightly basis. Then there are guys like Tim Duncan, savvy players who only contest shots they know they can get to, wary of the stigma of the ball-chinian. Here are examples of 5 of the greatest teabags ever put to film:

1. Hakim Warrick over Royal Ivey
This is a classic example of a dunk I like to call the Guillotine. This type of dunk happens when a smaller defender tries to draw a charge on a player streaking to the hole. This is a clear example of a guy who doesn't know how to pick his spots. You have to know who you're playing. That's not Gerry McNamara coming at you. That guy is primed for a hefty NBA contract and nothing will stop him from putting you on Sportscenter's Top 10.


2. Kobe Bryant over Dwight Howard
Kobe welcomes the up-and-comer with a Guillotine hybrid. MMA fans know this as the triangle choke so we'll call it the Triangle. The only difference between this one and the Guillotine is that the defender is making an attempt to block a shot without jumping. This one is only for the foolhardy which is why it mostly happens to young players and Shawn Bradley.


3. Carmelo Anthony over Jerome Williams
This is a borderline teabag. The defender made the correct play in this instance in attempting to get out of the play but the offensive player pulls him in to create the illusion of a teabag. That's why this is called the Copperfield.




4. Danny Green over Greg Paulus
This is why point guards should never provide help defense to a big man. You're either going to get jumped over or receive what I like to call the Crazy Horse. You're too short to draw a charge. At best, the guy is going to nick the top of your head (or scalp, thus the Custer reference) and cause you to tumble to the ground. This will always result in you being straddled and receiving the Ali stare down.



5. Vince Carter over helpless international player
This dunk is just a product of different cultures. The 7 footer did everything like he was taught. He stood 3 feet from the rim, set his feet and waited for the smaller player to dish to a teammate. Vince Carter's culture is to embarrass people. Hence the tag, the Emasculator. You can see the guy cower and attempt to run for cover but he's already engulfed in what most people call the Spread Eagle, but I call it the teabag corral. When you are in the teabag corral, you have no recourse. This guy is no doubt still having 'Nam-like flashbacks about his first (and only) tour of duty against Team U.S.A.