Great Athletes of the Silver Screen: Joe Cooper

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here. [indicates a dog bed]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!




ATHLETE: JOE COOPER

ACTOR: TREY PARKER

MOVIE: BASEKETBALL

DOMINANT SPORT: BASEKETBALL, HANGING OUT, PLAYING NINTENDO

LOVE INTEREST: JENNA REED

ENEMY: DALLAS FELONS, BAXTER CAIN

MISSION: BE A BIG SPORTS STAR, OWN A BIG SPORTS BAR

REAL-LIFE COUNTERPART: MR. OCTOBER

Joe Cooper was not a great athlete. Even his name suggests that he's just an average guy. What made Joe Cooper and his best friend Doug Remer great is evident in this quote, "We need jobs. First we get the jobs, then we get the money, then we get the khakis, then we get the chicks." Coop and Remer created a sport that catered to their specific abilities - flat-footed shooting and throwing out blasts - just so they could increase their chances of getting laid.

BASEketball was born and it soon turned into a national sport thanks to millionaire Ted Denslow, who attended a locally televised game in Coop and Remer's driveway. The game soon became a national sensation thanks to Denslow's insistence on protecting the integrity of the game. Disenfranchised fans came flocking, no doubt sick of overblown celebrations, nomadic franchises, and players turned hired mercenaries

Coop held the team together when Denslow died, leading his team to a title while dealing with the apparent loss of a friend, high expectations from a dying fan, and severe binge drinking. The highlight of the season was Coop's Ruth-like performance in a game where Remer promised a dying boy that Coop would "hit" three home runs. Coop showed up to the game smelling like Christian Slater but managed to hit two home runs before dozing off during his last attempt. Jordan plays with the flu, Tiger plays on one leg, Coop plays while rip-roarin' drunk.

One of the best parts of BASEketball was the plethora of classic "Psyche Outs." I will leave you with a medley.



-PSon