Bench guys obviously trying to make "One Shining Moment."

One Shining Moment

-PSon

Buffalo Bills make key signing; show their commitment to winning.

-PSon

The Xs and Os: 2-time MVP Steve Nash makes career defining play.

Steve Nash, known for his impeccable decision making in running the point for the Phoenix Suns made a split second decision in a recent game; saving his career and perhaps his life.

Nash was faced with two options:

1) draw the charge on Atlanta Hawks forward Josh Smith, save his team 2 points in a tight game

2) take the block and avoid nuts to face and possible decapitation


Nash chose option 2. Notice how he pulls his arm up just before the point of impact, avoiding the dreaded Guillotine Teabag. You can see he has not only created a barrier between bag and face, but by angling his arm he deflects Smith to the side in order to avoid the Crazy Horse. Textbook. That's one example of why he's still an effective player in this league. You need further evidence? Google Royal Ivey.

-PSon

Yankees Come to Realization, Regret Signing

Early this morning, the New York Yankees were simultaneously made aware of both the existence of CC Sabathia's "all you can eat" pizza buffet chain and that fact that he is morbidly obese. They are currently investigating potential correlation. When asked for comment, Sabathia said, "Have the tried the dessert slices???"

Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey have tearful reunion following crash

Lance and Matt: Through the Years

The Laughs

The Shirtless Runs

The Tandem Bike Rides

The Late Night Visits

The Betrayals

-PSon

Bowlen pulls McDaniels on his lap, recalls "the glory days, when we stood in the shadows of titans."

"Jake Plummer once appeared through that tunnel; his mane adrift in the wind, breath reeking of last night's conquests. He was a leader of men. We called them men because they acted like men and played like men. In those days, players weren't measured by arm strength or the sheer weight of their ego. Their legend was built on the tangible, like playoff appearances and porn staches."

-PSon

TO to Dallas: "My work here is done."

The Vagaries of Man-Love was able to catch up with the Buffalo Bills' newest addition, Terrell Owens, while he was on vacation in Miami. Owens was extremely candid and provided valuable insight to his character, or lack thereof. When asked to describe the cryptic statement he made soon after his release from the Cowboys, TO had this to say:

"Hey man, look. The best way I can describe it is it's a little like the Superman Credo, 'With great powers come great responsibilities.' I realized at an early age that I had a gift. I could take any situation and destroy it from the inside out, leaving quarterbacks in my wake. Who am I to forsake this God given gift?"

He was then asked why he would feel the need to destroy the confidence of the people who enabled him to succeed.

"I want a championship, I really do. I'm going to do my best to put on a happy face and help my team get that title if I feel like we have that chance. In the end I'm a business man. I'm a once in a generation talent. I gotta get paid like one. I ain't no coach or commentator; I can't fall back on that kind of thing. What does that mean? That means I need to make my money while I got this talent. Not every player gets guaranteed money, but I still can. If a team releases me or buys me out, that's money in my pocket, plus I can still sign with another team. Then I got my signing bonus plus another salary. Think about it. This ain't personal, them quarterbacks are just... what's that called... you know that movie with Arnold... collateral damage, yeah that's it. Once I realized Romo couldn't get it done I had to get out."

When asked about what he expects in Buffalo, TO made his intentions clear: "I signed a one year deal. We know Buffalo ain't winning no title. This town was ripe for the taking, I got a couple things up my sleeve. Trent (Edwards), I got something special for you. Buffalo, get your popcorn ready."

One can only assume that Stanford grad Trent Edwards, Buffalo's incumbent quarterback has a few "rag-armed nerd" blasts in his future.

-PSon

World Baseball Classic. You had me at "Play ball."

I'm currently sitting on my couch watching Panama and Dominican Republic fight to stay alive in the World Baseball Classic. I listen to talk radio and know that nobody is really excited for this event, which is essentially a poor man's World Cup. I like watching it though. Winning this championship should be more important to teams than winning the Olympics as Major League Baseball actually supports the tournament so MLB players are on virtually every roster. The best players from each country participate (for the most part) so the event is competitive and it maintains the Olympic spirit as there is a great bit of nationalistic pride at stake. That and I have been missing baseball a lot.

Yesterday I was able to catch most of the contest between the Dominican Republic and Netherlands. The game was supposed to be a blowout as the Domican team sports a number of MLB household names such as Big Papi, Hanley Ramirez, Miguel Tejada, and Jose Reyes. Netherlands on the other hand was a collection of non-MLB players, career minor leaguers, and washed-up Major League vets. The best hitter on their roster is Randall Simon who famously played tee-ball with a woman's (ERRR, woman in a sausage costume's) head during a traditional Milwaukee Brewers' Sausage Race. The Netherlands scored 3 runs in the 1st inning en route to a 3-2 win over the Dominican, a win that was described as being one of the greatest upsets of all time. Hyperbole? Yes, but it was fun to watch them celebrate like it was the World Series. The best part was that the starting pitcher for the Netherlands was Major League washout Sidney Ponson. He pitched well and it was mentioned that he's using it as an audition of sorts for Major League teams. Ponson was one of the better pitchers in the league years ago but ate his way out of the league and has been dominating the dive bar circuit ever since.

The US polished off the Canadians yesterday and play Venezuela later today to advance to the second round (first round are double elimination pools). I will be watching and posting (I'm sure) as the tournament progresses.

-PSon

Sports Reporting for Dummies

1. Speak loudly. Scream if you must. Talking over the other guy will insure nobody hears his more well thought out argument.
2. Come prepared. There is nothing worse than 2 analysts who agree on something. It is your duty to play the Devil’s Advocate. No matter how ridiculous your argument sounds, stupid people will eat it up.
3. Unless you are Michael Irvin, Craig Sager, or Marcellus Wiley: always wear the same jacket but keep a steady rotation of 5 shirts and 5 ties. Mix and match. Nobody will ever notice. Especially if you’re Stuart Scott.
4. If you are Steve Young, don’t even attempt to hide your disdain for Emmitt Smith.
5. If you are Stuart Scott, only speak when spoken to.
6. A poor grip on the English language is ok. In fact, it may get you a contract extension. Feel free to make up your own words.
   
7. If you are a former player, it is ok to talk about guys being overpaid these days, don't forget to mention how you had to hold a second job to support your family when you played. NEVER mention the difference between their training regimen (3 hours in the gym, balanced diet…) and yours (blow, booze, cigarettes, loose women…).
8. Feel free to throw in a few anecdotes about your strengths as a player. Exaggerations and flat out lies are ok; if you are Tim Hasselbeck or Trent Dilfer YOU MUST DO THIS TO KEEP YOUR JOB. For instance, “When you’re a quarterback, you have to be the leader. I remember when I played; I would pull the guys together before game time and tell them how much it meant to battle with them like men. I looked in their eyes and saw respect.”
9. It is ok to spit all over the place and throw out vaguely racist blasts ONLY IF you are Lou Holtz.
10. If you used to play on the offensive line, reminisce on what it was like “in the trenches” any chance you get. Remember, hyperbole is your friend.
11. If you are Boomer Esiason, never let Dan Marino forget that his legacy is built on passing records, not NFL championships. Remind him that records are made to be broken and openly celebrate when they are broken.
    
12. If you are Dan Marino, let all the blood rush to your face as you ponder the many ways to murder Esiason. Remind Boomer that: 1) He played for the Bengals. 2) He is a moron. 3) His real name is Norman. 4) He falls asleep the same way every night. Alone in a dark room, empty except for a bed, broken mirror, nightstand, box of tissues, picture of Marino, Isotoner gloves, and Jergens. He seeks comfort at the bottom of a bottle of gin, a single tear falls from his face as he dozes off.
13. You MUST be willing to utilize horrible, beaten down jokes. Find a way to work in jokes such as, “Wide receivers are like 7-11s. In their minds, they are always open.” Also, if your coworker is able to work in one of these gems, it is your job to force laughter. Practice in a mirror, I promise nobody will think you are a sellout moron.
    
14. Finding a gimmick is key. For some, this means making up poorly thought out nicknames, for others it means acting flamboyant (cough… Skip Bayless) or crotchety (err… Woody Paige).
15. Be attractive.

-PSon

Brett Favre sold his pick-up truck on E-Bay. He signed the dashboard. Now I know how he feels.

He's So Charismatic!

And Now! The "Loves to Dish it Out, but Can't Take It" Award goes to...

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3953133


Shaq thinks he's the MC of the universe. Whenever anyone else gets on the mic, his pathetically fragile ego shatters, and the shards explode from the meaty mess and lodge themselves in anyone foolish enough to get within earshot.

Talking Points Not Repeated 50 Times/Hr on ESPN Radio

I drove to Omaha, NE this weekend to retrieve my dog who'd escaped from her crate 8 months ago and ended up in Madison, Wi. She agreed to split the distance with me, and meet up in Omaha, about an 8 hour drive from Boulder. When I got in the car, I moved immediately for my recently charged ipod.

"No Battery Power Remains"

What the fuck are you talking about? No battery power? Apparently I didn't plug it in all the way last night. This meant I'd be stuck with choppy AM/FM radio and one of the worst CD collections ever assembled (I'm sparing you the exaggeration) lent to me by an ex-girlfriend. I rolled my window down multiple times with plans to throw a terrible mix-cd out the window, only to think better of it when it came to go-time. The radio it is.

It didn't take long for me to realize that ESPN radio was my only chance at making it through the trip alive, as it was the only reliable station muscling through the country, god-rock and static. When you listen to one radio station for 8 consecutive hours for 2 consecutive days, you learn that ESPN actually counts on you to not do that. This was a great weekend in football news with all the exciting free agent moves. What did they talk about last weekend? I was probably pretty lucky by comparison.

I digress. Sparing you the repetition of what you undoubtedly already know, here are a few points I wish Eric Kuselias would've made in lieu of telling me for the 20th time that Jay Cutler is upset.

-The Patriots franchise tagged Matt Cassel (meaning he will earn $14 million plus in 2009) before moving him to the 2-14 KC Chiefs. Another great example of doing the little things right by the Patriots. They maximize the amount of cap space freed up, which you can bet will enable them to make a signing they would have otherwise been unable to. They got an early 2nd round pick, and kept Cutler away from a potential contender (Tampa Bay) and Cassel away from his old coach and familiar system (Denver).

-"If you love something, let it go." Will Mike Vrabel be this deal's Antonio McDyess? Traded as a throw in, only to be cut and resigned by his original team? (see Allen Iverson for Chauncey Billups deal) There's probably something going on here that I don't understand. Do this deals not go down without the throw ins? Are they cap moves?

-Great point I only learned yesterday (thanks Mike Lombardi (http://www.nationalfootballpost.com/)): The Albert Haynesworth deal is actually only a 4 year, 48 million dollar deal. Years five, six and seven are something absurd like a $20+ million club option. So yeah, if Dan Snyder wants to pay him $20+ mill, a season, sure, it'll be a $100 million deal. But he won't. He'll be a free agent in year five.

-Brian Dawkins is old. Why does he even bother signing a 5 year deal? It means nothing. You tell me how much is guaranteed, I'll tell you how much he's getting paid. I still like the acquisition by the Bruncos.

The biggest decision I'm still waiting on is who the eff is going to play QB for the NY Jets and Rex Ryan. Could Kellen Clemens really be the next Kyle Boller?

NFL happenings while I was getting my butt kicked in Florida

This past weekend was a blast and certainly deserves its own post so I'll hold off on talking about it too much. For now I give you the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly from the first weekend of free agent signings in the NFL. It should be noted that I am an unabashed homer.

I would first like to link to this story that came out this weekend about the 4 people (2 of them being NFL players) who went missing in the Gulf of Mexico when their boat capsized. One of the men was found clinging to the boat but the other 3 are still missing. My thoughts go out to all three men; the thought of being alone on open water is too scary to think about.

The Good

• After the Broncos hired Josh McDaniels, people in Denver knew change was imminent (not necessarily a bad thing); within two weeks, McDaniels had seemingly cut half the team so I was pretty anxious to see what the Broncos would do this weekend. On Saturday I arrived at our hotel after a brutal day in fairly intense heat and popped open my laptop to check out who the Broncos signed that day. Brian Dawkins was the first name I saw and that's really all I needed to read. The Broncos had gaping holes in the secondary and that was before they cut Dre Bly last month. They finished out the weekend with most of those holes filled (Dawkins, Renaldo Hill, Andre Goodman) and they signed LB Andra Davis and a couple of potential nose tackles as well. Former Brian Westbrook fill-in, Correll Buckhalter was also signed and should get a shot as the feature back or part of a platoon.
• Kansas City picked up Matt Cassel (and Mike Vrabel) in a trade which serves as a tell-tale sign that Tom Brady is looking like he will be ready for the 2009 season. Good for KC although it still remains to be seen whether Cassel is a great QB or just a product of the New England system.
• T.J. Houshmandzadeh to Seattle. Great pickup for Matt Hasselbeck who should experience a resurgence after an injury-filled 2008 campaign.
  

The Bad

• Dan Snyder once again shows that he is filthy rich and will throw money at anything with football skills. The Redskins kicked-off free agent season with a 7-year, $100 million offer to Haynesworth. Yes this is the same guy who stomped on CU grad Andre Gurode's head. He's a game-changing player when he's healthy and playing within his head but with a giant contract and a coach who has already been having problems with superstar players, this could spell disaster in D.C.
• Brandon Marshall was arrested again, this time in Atlanta. No word yet on why but this doesn't look good as he has already been suspended by the league for off the field behavior.
• Vonnie Holliday after being cut, "There's no loyalty in this league." True. The NFL is notoriously bad about chewing players up and spitting them out. Contracts are not guaranteed so NFL teams can cut healthy players at any time without paying out the remainder of their deal. It is truly a business, at least more so than the other 3 major U.S. sports organizations (NBA, MLB, NHL). Sadly, nothing will change though as the NFL is currently in the best shape out of the 4 partly because teams aren't ever truly locked into weighty contracts and guys are forced to play hard or they will be unceremoniously released.

The Ugly

The Jay Cutler situation in Denver. In one corner we have Jay Cutler, the Broncos' rocket-armed quarterback; centerpiece of Denver's high-octane offense. The man in the other corner is Josh McDaniels, the recently hired head coach of the Denver Broncos and former disciple of Bill Belichick. It is being alleged that McDaniels has been shopping Cutler in the past couple of weeks in an effort to attain Matt Cassel, the quarterback he tutored last year in New England. It is no secret that Cutler has been less than thrilled with the Broncos' direction this off-season. Cutler was close with fired coach Mike Shanahan as well as departed offensive coordinator Jeremy Bates and it is being reported that he asked to be traded after Bates' departure. Scary times. I love Cutler but I think he needs to grow some thicker skin. He's not the quarterback he thinks he is but with McDaniels' help he could be the best.

I leave you with a message from Brian Dawkins:



-PSon