Cubs Press Release: Steve Bartman injected Sammy Sosa with Performance Enhancing Drugs

Tuesday night, Cubs officials issued a press release to renounce the statements made about Sammy Sosa relating to PEDs and also to provide unquestionable photographic evidence of the suspected assailant’s actions:

“We were deeply saddened to hear the allegations leveled against Chicago Cubs legend, Sammy Sosa, who by all accounts is a deeply devoted family man and champion of many charitable causes in the Chicago area as well as in his hometown of San Pedro de Macorís, Dominican Republic. Sammy has always been a hero to skinny teenagers who aspire to grow bulging muscles on every inch of their bodies, aided by a strong work ethic, a healthy smile, and the occasional unbanned substance.

Upon hearing the allegations, our thoughts drifted to a cryptic picture we received in the mail a few days ago. The man in the picture was none other than our old friend Steve Bartman; one hand trying to catch the infamous fly ball and the other hand vicously flinging what appeared to be a loaded syringe onto Wrigley Field. Right now, Steve Bartman is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of PEDs. Intelligence gathered by this and other organizations leaves no doubt that the Bartman regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal PEDs ever devised. We are learning more as we interrogate or have discussions with Bartman scientists and people within the Bartman structure, that perhaps he destroyed some, perhaps he dispersed some. And so we will find them. We'll find him. It'll be a matter of time to do so.

Legal action will be taken in the event that Bartman is apprehended. We would like to take this last moment to send a message to Cub Nation. If you see Mr. Bartman in the streets, please do not attempt to harm him [wink] or otherwise engage in any heinous act of vigilante justice [wink].”

VoML was unable to reach the Chicago Cubs front office to discuss the accusations that the photograph was doctored.

-PSon

RIP, Steve Bartman

Not that one...

Ah, that's better. On October 14, 2003, Steve Bartman became infamous in the eyes of all baseball fans. This is the date that he became a contestant on America's Favorite Scapegoat. Steve Bartman should not be relevant. While players like Scott Norwood, Bill Buckner, and Chris Douglas-Roberts earned their goat status on the field, all this guy had to do was buy a ticket and do what every other person in his vicinity was doing, attempt to catch a foul ball.

Bartman has reportedly been offered $25,000 by a sports collectors show to sign one autograph. The Orlando Sentinel reported:

"To collect the cash, all Bartman has to do is show up at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center in Rosemont, Ill., at 1 p.m. on July 31, prove his identity and sign a photograph of the infamous play. It will then be auctioned on the Web site with the proceeds going to a Chicago-based charity, according to a news release for the publicity stunt event."

I don't even know where to start here. I haven't seen this many red flags since the Cold War. First off, this sounds like one of those horrible short con emails. You know, the ones where you are eligible to collect a large lump sum if only you send them all of your personal information and a small withdrawal fee. All of the elements are there, "all you need to do...", "prove your identity", "proceeds to charity"... Here's what I imagine the press release looks like in Chicago:

"To collect the cash, all Bartman has to do is show up at (nameless dive bar) on Main Street at 1 pm on July 31. He must be wearing his Walkman, Cubs hat, and green turtleneck to prove his identity. Bartman will then be tied down and an ink quill of blood will be drawn which he will use to sign a poster of the incident. It is at this time that he will be untied and briefcase will be tossed in his general vicinity. Moises Alou will jump from behind the bar and knock the briefcase away, just before it enters Bartman's reach. Bartman will be escorted to a special room where The Ludovico Technique will be employed. The 8th inning of Game 6 of the 2003 NL Championship Series will be played on a constant loop with Beethoven's Ninth Symphony run in the background. He will be eat like a(n) (exiled) king with an all-you-can-eat buffet of the finest beers and bar snacks the resident (losers) Cubs fans can dump on him."

Seriously Cubs fans are the best. They should be the lovable losers but they make it impossible by showing up en masse to away games and acting like a bunch of front runners when their team hasn't won a title since 1908. They made Bartman the goat despite the fact that:

1. Alex Gonzalez booted a sure-fire Miggy Cabrera double play ball with Pudge Rodriguez at 1st base.
   
2. Prior who had a complete game going into the 8th was run from the game with 1 out, 2 on, and the score tied at 3.
3. Cubs relievers gave up 5 more runs before they finally ended the inning.
4. They had Kerry Wood pitching Game 7 and were up 5-3 in the game. They lost the game 9-6 and then watched the upstart Marlins win their second title in 7 years.
   

Bartman, trust Cubs fan at your own risk. He carries a black heart and is very cunning. He will deceive you with promises of the finest meats and lagers in the land but will instead fill your plate with Vienna sausages and your cup with Old Style.