Friday, September 5, 2008

When Man-Love dies...


Few could imagine the cold, black hand that has seized my heart... and may never let me go. The golden one... he of the soft, flowing hair... the second coming... our one true hope... is gone. Done for the season. And as he marches into the black, so follow our hopes, our dreams.

I have a fickle heart. Many athletes bounce within my view, I grow fond of them, but when their production wanes, I simply toss them aside. But this year, my heart found a home. It was the steely black eyes. The hunched, crouched stance at the place. The ease with which fly balls turned into home runs. He had a name,  we called him Q!. Not Q. But Q!.

And now it's over. The romance is gone. As Autumn turns it's steely gaze on the midwest, as leaves turn brown and begin to fall, as the sun moves to hide. Dark days bring dark news. 

He is fallen.

-bb13

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Great Athletes of the Silver Screen: Teen Wolf

As part of an ongoing effort to bring the best and worst of the sports world to you the reader, I will be posting a series of profiles on some of the biggest ballers to grace the silver screen. Think about some of your favorite movie characters and how they absolutely dominated their opponents. They could one day be profiled on this blog. Their day may come soon.

ATHLETE: TEEN WOLF (SCOTT HOWARD)

ACTOR: MICHAEL J. FOX

MOVIE: TEEN WOLF (1985)

DOMINANT SPORT: BASKETBALL, SHOTGUNNING BEERS

LOVE INTEREST: RESIDENT SCHOOL HOTTIE, HOMELY BEST FRIEND

ENEMY: MICK MCALLISTER (STAR JOCK FROM RIVAL SCHOOL, POSSIBLE *ALLEGEDLY* HOMOSEXUAL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER)



MISSION: THROW DOWN THUNDEROUS DUNKS, BREAK ANKLES, TEACH FAT FRIEND HOW TO BE A HERO, MAKE LADIES WEAK IN THE KNEES, LEARN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS, MAKE DOUCHEY ANTAGONIST LOOK LIKE IMPOTENT PRICK BY BEATING HIM WITH NERD SKILLS, WIN OUR HEARTS

Teen Wolf is perhaps the greatest sports movie involving nerds turning into hairy creatures and dominating the hardwood. It's pretty much every nerd's dream. Wake up one night to the sound of your own screams as your skin stretches and grows hair at an alarming rate. Scott Howard went from a nobody, a nerd with an entrepreneurial best friend and a penchant for leering at the popular girls, to a feral beast with skills like Lebron and game like Usher. In perhaps the greatest feat of the modern beer drinking era, Teen Wolf drank a beer using only his teeth, forever etching himself in the pantheon of beer pounding greats.

Teen Wolf goes on to dominate the court, but succeeds in alienating his team and best friends. Teen Wolf eventually ditches his man-beast persona and trophy girlfriend but still manages to beat rival Mick McAllister's team with the help of his fat, inept teammates. It goes without saying that Mark Arnold puts in a stellar performance as the Soc-like McAllister, no doubt relegating himself to being typecast in horribly awesome B sports movies. The final scene where McAllister stands under the basketball supports while Howard hits his free throws is riddled with sexual tension. You can't buy acting skills like that.
-PSon

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

More Than The Lion's Share

Please take the time to read this story, courtesy of Profootballtalk.com
You might have to scroll down until you get to it but you will be happy you did. Former Bronco running back Tatum Bell was allegedly upset about losing his gig so he pilfered new RB Rudi Johnson's bags. Yes folks, I am ready for some football.
-PSon

Friday, August 29, 2008

Hoax-o Cinco?

It appears that this story is for real. As of yesterday, Chad Johnson has officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. I always assumed that all the bulletin board material, touchdown celebrations, and calling out of other athletes in other sports was just a part of the persona he created for himself. Just something to entertain the masses and keep his "brand" fresh. Now I don't know what to think. He may actually have some problems. Frankly, this is going pretty far. I think the guy is entertaining and wish him the best of luck but it's scary to think of what might happen to this guy without football. I can't wait to see how quickly the fantasy websites register the name change.

-PSon

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Barack and Roll

This blog is known for 3 important things. Vaguely homoerotic crotch-gazing, poop jokes, and incisive, cutting edge, world-class political commentary.

Last night, ESPN aired a segment where Stuart Scott (who borrowed Kurt Rambis’ goggles for the occasion), played a little one on one b-ball and talked shop with the Democratic Presidential Nominee, Barack Obama.



From this interview we learned many important things about Senator Obama:

* As a lefty, he has the ability to drive and score with both hands. We all know what that means.

* Loves the Sweetness. And damned if that doesn’t hit home for this Chicago boy. Walter Payton was near the perfect Chicago citizen. I ride the train past Walter Payton Prep everyday. His other charitable deeds live on throughout the city. Walter was a great role model as a player and as a citizen. I’m honored that Barack recognizes this.

* Barack believes the Olympics should not be overly politicized (yes!). Yet states that Human Rights Abuses cannot be overlooked (double yes!).

* Barack also states that Selig should suck it up and deal with steroids himself. Instead of letting congress waste their time and taxpayer money cleaning up the mess Selig’s blissful ignorance left behind (quadruple yes!!).

* And finally, when asked about a Cubs vs Sox World Series, Barack has this to say:

"Who would you root for?'' Scott asked.
"Oh, that's easy,'' Obama replied. "White Sox. I'm not one of these fair weather fans, you go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball. Southside."

Southside. I can’t even imagine what I could possibly add to that. Speechless doesn’t do it. My words have left me. khohpuprebv;advskrbjah

After doing a touch of research for this important political piece, I also came across another wonderful little nugget. Here’s a transcript of the speech Obama read on THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE after the White Sox won the World Series. 

I love this man.

The only question I have left, and it keeps me up at night, is… if both Barack and Carlos Quentin were running for president… who would I vote for?

-bb13

Sunday, August 24, 2008

U.S.A. Basketball & The Duality of Kobe

The team on the left is perhaps the greatest basketball team that ever walked (and maybe will ever walk) the earth. I know what your question is, what the hell is Christian Laettner doing there? That's really besides the point. This team was the pinnacle of American basketball. A collection of the best players in the NBA at the greatest possible time. You will be hard pressed to ever find a better group of players in their primes at the same time.

The team was crafted masterfully. You had two of the best distributing point guards in the history of game, Magic Johnson and John Stockton. Four dominant bruisers underneath, the graceful David Robinson combined with the brute strength of Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and Patrick Ewing. A dominant pure shooter in Chris Mullin combined with the versatile Scottie Pippen and Clyde "The Glide" Drexler made this team solid from top to bottom. Even the addition of a hustle guy (Laettner) showed that this team was engineered to excel in every aspect of the game. Of course this team was topped off with arguably the two best clutch players (and resident killers) in NBA history in the incomparable Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. I give you the Dream Team.

Prior to the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona, only amateur athletes were allowed to represent their countries in basketball in the Olympic Games. A ruling by FIBA in 1989 changed all that. The Dream Team steamrolled their opponents by an average margin of 43.8 points without ever calling a timeout. This team could have coached itself. The U.S. followed this up with Olympic wins in 1996 and 2000. It was apparent that the talent level in other countries was increasing and basketball fans saw the margin of victory slowly decrease. The culmination came in the 2000 semifinals against Lithuania when the U.S. narrowly escaped by 2 when Lithuania missed a last second three to take the win.

Team U.S.A.'s slide began in 2002 when a cocky American team finished sixth at the World Championships. The 2004 Olympics in Athens saw the U.S. team lose their first game playing with professionals against an upstart squad from Puerto Rico. They went on to lose twice more en route to a 3rd place showing. A bronze medal showing would be great (and sometimes even heroic) for a lot of countries but it was disastrous to U.S.A. basketball whose aura of dominance was no longer intact. It wasn't just their on-court performance. Off the court, the men's basketball team was seen by many in the U.S. delegation as being full of prima donnas, the players exhibiting a sense of entitlement and a standoffish attitude towards other Olympic athletes.

The international game is different and teams were exposing their weaknesses. They would collapse on players in the paint and force the U.S. to kick it out, exposing their Achilles heal... shooting. Their defense was not ready to guard teams with 4 and sometimes 5 dominant 3-point threats. Teams carved them up by kicking the ball around until they got an open shot, keeping them honest defensively.

Enter the Redeem Team. Team U.S.A. learned its lesson. No longer would they be able to get by on athletic ability alone. They would have to play as a team. Carmelo Anthony, one of the NBA's most polarizing young stars announced that his goal was to break the record for rebounds per game, a far cry from his reputation as a ball hog and cry baby. They added solid role players such as low post player Carlos Boozer, pure shooter Michael Redd, and hustle player Tayshaun Prince. Kobe Bryant, the MVP of the NBA this year took on a role as the defensive stopper which hurt his offensive capabilities but greatly improved the team's chances of winning. Team U.S.A. set itself atop the world once again with a finals victory against Spain. Dominant most of the time, gritty all the time. They made it a point to repair their selfish image, showing up to other Olympic events (swimming, volleyball, etc...) and actively showing support for their fellow Americans.

I'm not going to lie, I did not watch the finals game. I fully intended to stay awake but fell asleep immediately after the 3/4 game ended. I woke up to the sight of Kobe and Dwayne Wade celebrating together while being interviewed by Craig Sager (minus the flamboyant attire). I'm going to preface the following by saying that I've never been a fan of Kobe. In fact, he may be my least favorite athlete (save A-Rod). But for the first time, I think we may have seen the real Kobe. Kobe is the type of person who tries his hardest to make people think he's somebody he's not, trying to hide what he really is, selfish player, poor teammate, incredible athlete, crunch time killer... What I saw was a jubilant person, somebody who was truly proud of his team and what his teammates had accomplished.

After the interview, him and Wade locked in a giant embrace that could not have been fabricated. Everybody who has ever reached the pinnacle of their sport knows what it feels like. The feeling of having run the gamut of emotions with somebody (or a group of people) in order to achieve a singular goal. In this case, an Olympic medal. Maybe it's just the medal that does this to people. Maybe it's the weight of an entire nation being released from your collective shoulders. In either case, watching Kobe celebrate like a human really touched me. It takes a lot for me to say this but I hope that this was a turning point for Kobe because he works too hard to be the player he is, to be reviled by so many for his machine-like approach towards people. Teammates, opponents, fans, coaches, media... A player of his caliber affects them all whether he chooses to accept it or not.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Jay Mohr on Red Sox Fan... Carl's Jr.

If you don't listen to the Rome show, you may not know what's going on (and you may not understand some of the things I say) but occasionally Rome must go to the basement (go on vacation) so he invites some of his favorite guests to guest host for him. Jay Mohr (actor, comedian) is easily my favorite. Here's audio of two of his best takes on Wednesday. He had me laughing at my desk so hard, I had to take a pause it and take a walk.

Jay Mohr on Red Sox Fan:



Jay Mohr on Carl's Jr.: