Great Athletes of the Silver Screen: Joe Cooper

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here. [indicates a dog bed]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!




ATHLETE: JOE COOPER

ACTOR: TREY PARKER

MOVIE: BASEKETBALL

DOMINANT SPORT: BASEKETBALL, HANGING OUT, PLAYING NINTENDO

LOVE INTEREST: JENNA REED

ENEMY: DALLAS FELONS, BAXTER CAIN

MISSION: BE A BIG SPORTS STAR, OWN A BIG SPORTS BAR

REAL-LIFE COUNTERPART: MR. OCTOBER

Joe Cooper was not a great athlete. Even his name suggests that he's just an average guy. What made Joe Cooper and his best friend Doug Remer great is evident in this quote, "We need jobs. First we get the jobs, then we get the money, then we get the khakis, then we get the chicks." Coop and Remer created a sport that catered to their specific abilities - flat-footed shooting and throwing out blasts - just so they could increase their chances of getting laid.

BASEketball was born and it soon turned into a national sport thanks to millionaire Ted Denslow, who attended a locally televised game in Coop and Remer's driveway. The game soon became a national sensation thanks to Denslow's insistence on protecting the integrity of the game. Disenfranchised fans came flocking, no doubt sick of overblown celebrations, nomadic franchises, and players turned hired mercenaries

Coop held the team together when Denslow died, leading his team to a title while dealing with the apparent loss of a friend, high expectations from a dying fan, and severe binge drinking. The highlight of the season was Coop's Ruth-like performance in a game where Remer promised a dying boy that Coop would "hit" three home runs. Coop showed up to the game smelling like Christian Slater but managed to hit two home runs before dozing off during his last attempt. Jordan plays with the flu, Tiger plays on one leg, Coop plays while rip-roarin' drunk.

One of the best parts of BASEketball was the plethora of classic "Psyche Outs." I will leave you with a medley.



-PSon

Goodell Can't Resist

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell appeared on the Mike and Mike in the Morning radio show.

One of the Mikes asked Goodell about Troy Polamalu's comments regarding fines doled out to teammate Hines Ward where Polamalu called the NFL a "pansy league". Below is a verbatim transcript of Goodell's response.

"Well, I...I couldn't disagree w/ Troy more, I think anyone who calls the NFL game a pansy game is obviously misguided...and it's not...not an accurate statement, and I think that was indicitive... unfortunately, Troy was hurt last week, in a pretty significant hit"

You know he's never been happier to see an NFL player go out with an injury.

"Not such a pansy league now, huh? Is your pony-tail ok?"

Tampa Bay, come on and Rays up.

There is a god.
Justice has been served.

Fantasy owners across the country are falling over themselves to grab David Price in their keeper leagues. I don't care about the Rays and I'm not jumping on the bandwagon. I'm just enjoying the similarities between how I felt about the Yankees v. Red Sox and how I now feel about the Red Sox v. Rays.

Boston Fan, you are now everything you used to hate. You are the evil empire. Hate is a strong motivating factor. I will root for a team like I've been a fan for years if they are playing against a team I hate. Sadly, this almost makes it a bad thing that the Red Sox are done. Nobody outside of Philly and Tampa will truly care about this series. Some people will passively root for the upstart Rays team but I think that's a bit misguided. The Rays have been terrible their short time in MLB which gave them an opportunity to build their arsenal of young studs.

Philadelphia is mired in a championship drought that, for a city with a team in all 4 major sports leagues, is rivaled only by the city of Cleveland (Cubs fan, nobody wants to hear it). Philly hasn't seen a championships since the 76ers won one in 1983. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia:

After One Liberty Place opened, Philadelphia's franchises began a pattern of narrow, but spectacular, failures to win a conference or national championship: the Flyers lost the Stanley Cup Finals twice (1987—in seven games to the Edmonton Oilers, a mere two months after One Liberty Place opened, and again in 1997 in a four-game sweep by the Detroit Red Wings); the Phillies lost the 1993 World Series in six games to the Toronto Blue Jays, with the Series ending on Joe Carter's famous game-ending home run; the 76ers lost the 2001 NBA Finals to the Los Angeles Lakers in five games; and the Eagles lost three straight NFC Championship games from the 2001 through 2003 seasons, before finally breaking through after the 2004 season and reaching Super Bowl XXXIX, only to lose to the New England Patriots by three points.

Either way I won't really be upset about who wins the title. I just won't really be rooting one way or another.

-PSon

Week 7 - Through the Eyes of a Fan

Thoughts while watching DirectTV's Sunday Ticket.

• The Red Zone Channel is a fantasy player's dream. No need to hold a remote. If you want to actually watch a game, this channel is not for you. For me, it feeds the addiction.
• Steve Smith reminds me of the rage zombies from 28 Days Later.
• Brodie Croyle is hurt. Nobody cares.
  
• There is no fantasy player worse than LenDale White. Chris Johnson does all the work getting the ball near the goal line and LenDale punches it in from one yard out. Infuriating when you're going against him. Doubled when you have Chris Johnson.
• In an obvious ode to former Dolphins great Bob Griese, Chad Pennington channels Griese's son Brian with a textbook TAINT (the Bill Simmons coined Touchdown After INT) after being hurried out of the pocket.
  
• There are signs of life in Buffalo! Apparently there was a power outage so we have been relegated to updates of an alleged game being played. Dan Dierdorf says some Mylar balloons got caught up in a transformer. You couldn't make that up.
• Chris Johnson ran a 4.24 in the Combine. Coincidentally, that's how many cheeseburgers LenDale White eats in one sitting on average.
• Shots of TO flipping out on the sideline. That's not his quarterback out there.
• On cue, Chris Johnson with the 26 yard run to set up LenDale White's lumbering 3 yard TD. Somebody get that guy some oxygen. Current stats: Chris Johnson 9 for 82 yards 0 TDs, LenDale White 8 for 34 yards 2 TDs. Nice.
  
• Scott Linehan placed his name on the short list of the NFL's poorest coaches. Most of the work has been done after he was fired. The Rams beat a very good Redskins team last week and are currently up big on the Cowboys. Previously they looked like the worst team in the league.
• Todd Heap looks like Rube from Major League 2.
• Thoughts while watching Willis McGahee run towards a parlay-breaking TD, "Please fumble... FUMBLE!" Under still alive... for now.
• Blocked punt touchdown for the 49ers. Can you say, over?!
• Marion Barber just got jacked up. That should have been a fumble but they called it incomplete. The karma gods concur as Brad Johnson promptly throws an INT. Reminds me of the time that Bradlee Van Pelt threw interceptions on 2 consecutive plays (the D fumbled the first).
• LenDale White for an 80 yard TD. There are no words.
• Chris Johnson answers with a 66 yards TD romp and celebrates by laying down a couple of drum beats afterwards. He's a renaissance man.
• Nothing says "unoriginal" like the D "fence" sign, the paper bag on your head, or any sign where people use the TV station's acronym with each letter representing contrived words to represent their team.
• That ominous cloud you see is the Wade Phillips era drawing to a close. Heads are gonna roll in Dallas.
• There's some guy named T. Choice running the ball in Dallas. Abandon ship Dallas fans, The Choice is yours. Boom!
• Just as I write that, the Cowboys score. They follow that up with a half-hearted celebration. How bout them Cowboys? TO is seen on the sidelines drafting his Brad Johnson blasts for the press conference.
• Jared Allen makes a great play on a Rashied Davis end-around to give the Vikings a chance to tie the game.
• Unbelievable, Gus Frerotte throws an INT to seal it for Chicago. The Bears D scored an ungodly amount of fantasy points for a team that gave up 41 points.

That will end the first round of games. Perhaps I'll be back later.

-PSon

Sunday Morning Anecdotes

• Brooks Bollinger was just mentioned on NFL Sunday Countdown. If Brad Johnson breaks a hip and Tony Romo gets tied up with Jessica Simpson, Bollinger would quarterback the Cowboys.
• I feel like signing your letter of intent to QB the University of Wisconsin football team destines you to be a NFL backup. Not a bad choice.
• Matt Cassel can attest to the fact that being a backup in the NFL is a dream job. Starting is a whole other thing entirely.
• The countdown has begun to the inevitable TO post game conference where he either calls Brad Johnson gay or questions his ability to run a high powered offense like that of the Cowboys.
• The Cowboys bailed the Lions out big time with the Roy Williams trade. Good for the Lions, good for Roy Williams, questionable for the Cowboys. 4 draft picks?
• I don't care what Eric Smith or anybody else says, that hit on Anquan Boldin was horseshit. Polamalu talks about the NFL becoming a "pansy league," they are trying to make money with all these fines. Tell that to the ex-players with serious health problems.
  
• WTF happened to the Badgers' football team? Wisconsin was in the top ten and promptly lost 4 straight conference games. The latest was an embarrassing 31 point loss to an unranked Iowa team. Looks like the entire Big Ten is putting a hurt... On Wisconsin... No?
• Matthew Berry just said that Kyle Orton is a sleeper worth a start. I bet that's not something you would hear at the beginning of the year. I had Orton as the starting QB on my Keglympics team. What a bust.
• Won $150 yesterday on a 5 team parlay. Texas/Missouri over 65, Texas to win, Illinois to win over Indiana, LSU -1.5 over USC errrrrrrrr... South Carolina, and the Red Sox over the Rays. Lost my 6 teamer to win $500 because Wisconsin sucks and USC covered their mammoth spread.
• Big parlay of the day (7 teamer) - 49ers/Giants over 46, Giants over 49ers, Broncos over Patriots (I know this one is going to hurt, damn you personal biases), Texans over Lions, Ravens/Dolphins under 36.5, Buccaneers over Seahawks, Titans/Chiefs under 35.
• Small time bets - Devin Hester to have the most receiving yards this week and Ike Hilliard to score the first touchdown in the Sunday night game. Both are +2000. Sucker's bets? All signs point to yes.
• I said it Thursday night as I saw the Red Sox put the finishing touches on a shell shocked Rays team, the Red Sox are a lock to win this series. The Rays can't come back from a loss like that. I've been up like that before and for a young team, that's something you don't come back from.
• Jon Lester overcame cancer, do you think he's worried about a Game 7 in Tampa? Bet it.
• Deuce, I watched the first four episodes of The Island last night. Freaking fantastic. I now remember what I used to love about The Challenge. I'll get to my thoughts later.
  

I'll be back for more, during the games.

-PSon

Reason #7,654,432 that Red Sox fans are Fucktards

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, last night you pulled off a highly unlikely comeback victory, one I missed because I figured there was no way the excellent Rays bullpen could blow a 7-0 lead.

In the process, Boston hero David Ortiz hit a 3-run homer to make the game 7-4.

What the East Coast-biased media isn't reporting today, although they certainly would be if the Red Sox had lost, is that earlier in that game David Ortiz grounded out weakly... and.... Red Sox fans booed him. Heartily.

Red Sox fans booed David Ortiz. The nicest, chillest guy, who is THE most clutch hitter, perhaps in all of history, and who led them to two FUCKING World Series championships in four years.

Assholes. What a bunch of undeserving pricks. It's common knowledge that Red Sox fans have gone from the American league version of Cubs fans, whiny and annoying. To a whole new level of self-entitled douchebaggery.

Apparently if your hero, probably the second or third best hitter to ever play on your team*, doesn't automatically carry his team to another World Championship, that's grounds for vitriol and booing. That is shameful.

Red Sox fans, you deserve NONE of the success your team has brought you. I hope the Rays, with their miniscule payroll and solid, fundamental baseball, knock you out of the playoffs thereby initiating a golden era where the Rays and Blue Jays battle for first place every year, while the overpaid, underperforming prima-donnas on the Red Sox and Yankees scuffle so as to not finish in last.

-bb13

*Behind Ted Williams, and maybe Manny or Yaz, but that's arguable.

Pigeon Catches Tim Wakefield Pitch Mid-Air

-PSon

Blueberry Mangina!

In shocking news, the Genealogy Department of Kansas State University revealed that University of Kansas Football Head Coach Mark Mangino is the illegitimate son of Violet Beauregarde and any of a handful of Oompa Loompas.



It appears that after her “dejuicening” the young Ms. Beauregarde was taken in by the Oompa Loompas and kept as a sex slave/dungeon kitty for years. Her torment finally came to an end after she escaped her confinement just long enough to drown herself in the Chocolate River, an ode to Dostoevsky’s “Crime and Punishment” and in honor of her first love, Augustus Gloop. She is survived by Mark Mangino and Mark Paul Gosselaar.

At last weekend’s CU vs KU game, fans were heard reciting this Wonka-themed heckle.

"Oompa loompa doompty doo
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompty dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What do you when your coach is so fat
he eats all the cake like a ten-year old brat?

He cleans his plate with his mouth and a lick
it takes him hours just to find his own dick

After the game Kansas players can’t eat
while their jolly coach can’t see his own feet

Oompa loompa doompty dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
Oompa loompa doompty doo
fat jokes are funny if they’re not about you"


-bb13

Profiles in Heroism

Last night I was witness to a singularly stunning feat of heroism. You can slot it in there with Gibson’s home run, Elways come-back in some game, Jordan dropping 45 with the flu, and Brett Favre’s maniacal insistence upon playing football until he dies.

I speak of Ms. Evelyn Smith, a competitor on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Island.

I won’t bore you by describing the decidedly esoteric specifics of this competition. But here are the basics:
- Trapped on an island, you need a key to get off and win $75,000
- There are only 8 keys
- To get a key, you must beat two others in a face-off
- At this stage in the game, when you win the face-off, you take someone else’s key

The political environment of the Island is tense. There’s an Alliance of the 4-5 strongest players, with a few hangers-on, that are running every decision. They are bossy, demanding, and most of all arrogant.

Evelyn is one of the few peripheral players who does not fall in with the Alliance. In this case, not being with the Alliance, is being against it. In fact, one of the major players in the Alliance, one Johnny “Bananas”, happens to be a huge asshole that hates Evelyn. He attacks her, calls her stupid, a bitch, and mistreats her at every opportunity.

Last night, Evelyn competed in a face-off, beating two men, and earning the right to take someone’s key. The Alliance, panicking at the thought of losing one of their own, threatened, then cajoled, then pleaded with Evelyn in the hope of swaying her decision. It boiled down to three options for Evelyn:

1. Taking the key from Kelly-Anne, Evelyn’s sweet and lovely best friend on the Island. Also not a member of the Alliance, taking the key from her would amount to the biggest betrayal in RW/RR challenges history.

2. Taking the key from Johnny “Bananas”. The guy who harasses her constantly and openly hates her. Also a founding member of the Alliance, who has sworn to make her life even more miserable should she cross them.

3. And finally, taking a key from Jenn, one of the Alliance’s lesser members.  Offered to Evelyn and thereby thrown under the bus by the Alliance.

Faced with this difficult conundrum, and with $75,000 on the line, Evelyn pulled an audacious move that stunned the participants and changed the game. Ignoring the threats of the Alliance, she stood up for her best friend Kelly-Anne, and refused to sacrifice the docile Jenn. Instead she grabbed the serpent by its neck, and bit off it’s head. Taking the key from Johnny.

It was truly an inspiring moment. It’s the strongest and perhaps the only non-deplorable action I’ve ever seen on one of these competitions. Where greed, sexism, arrogance and more greed define nearly every decision.

Will she pay the price and get squashed by the alliance in the coming weeks? Will standing up for herself cost her $75,000? Probably, yes. But for at least one day, she earned the respect of everyone present. Even TJ Lavin said he was proud of her, that’s like Gale Sayers saying he likes my shoes. Life changing.

-bb13

Monday Night Dream Team

Ever since I was a kid, Monday Night Football has been special to me. There's just something about that one game set aside from all the rest that makes it special. For me it started with Gifford, Dierdorf, Michaels, and of course Hank Williams Jr. I knew the song by heart and made sure I was in front of the TV every week right on time so I wouldn't miss what two lines they changed to incorporate the teams playing that week.

I got to see Deion Sanders destroy teams with his legs and had to endure a Broncos loss to the Chiefs where Elway made one of his patented 4th quarter comeback only to have Joe Montana lead the Chiefs on a game winning drive. I got to witness the Jets come back from a 30-7 deficit to tie the game up with a TD pass to an offensive lineman. Even this past Monday, Reggie Bush almost single-handedly willed his team to victory with two punt return TDs (and almost three).

The rise of fantasy football has seen MNF become an arena of heartbreak or redemption. Guys like Gus Frerotte, a fill in fantasy starter at best, have led 4th quarter comebacks they didn't even know about to seal a victory for somebody they will never meet. Reggie Bush, Ryan Longwell, and Gus Frerotte were this week's heroes. There will be others next week.

Tony Kornheiser is annoying. I love the guy on PTI and thought he would be a good addition to MNF but it turns out he's really not that funny. His brand of humor doesn't work within the confines of MNF. I cringe every time he opens his mouth. We've seen this before with Dennis Miller. A good comedian with questionable knowledge of how to call a game gets brought in to shake things up a bit. The Onion said it best this week with its headline, "Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote." The average football fan doesn't want to hear what you think about other sports or about your knowledge of 18th century weaponry.

With that, I give my MNF Dream Team. Mike Tirico, Gus Johnson, and Jay Mohr. I know I've said that the comedy thing doesn't work. I think Mohr would be great though. He's a natural radio guy, he knows enough about sports and respects them enough not to let his agenda get in the way, and he's very quick on his feet. The problem with Miller and Kornheiser is often they would go on clearly rehearsed monologues that would have nothing to do with the game itself. You need somebody who can change things up with the flow of the game. Mohr is that guy. Of course this would never happen because ESPN is too terrified of what might come out of his mouth. Tirico is a very underrated play by play guy. He's very businesslike and lets the other guys do what THEY are paid to do. Gus Johnson is simply the most energetic announcer out there. You can tell the guy loves to do what he does. What's your Dream Team?

-PSon

MLB Championship Series Previews

NLCS:








Philadelphia Phillies - Boom... outta here.

Los Angeles Dodgers - Boring.














ALCS:







Boston Red Sox - EFFFFF the Red Sox




















Tampa Bay Rays - Rays fan by default.










*This message brought to you by the AARP.

Seriously, god help us if the Phillies make the World Series. I wouldn't mind seeing a Red Sox v Dodgers series just to see Manny stick it to Red Sox Nation. The Red Sox v Rays series is a bit of a grudge match and should be fun. Overall I haven't been too excited about the playoffs so far (Game 4 of the Angels v Red Sox series was decent), lets hope that changes.

-PSon

Mike Scioscia Has King Kong Biscuits

The tag heard 'round the world? If you're an Angels fan, yes. In the 9th inning of last night's ultimately deciding Red Sox/Angels contest, Mike Scioscia pushed all his chips to the center of the table. He was called and beaten, drawn out on the river. With a guy on 3rd and 1 out in a tie game and a good bunter at the plate, Scioscia called for a suicide squeeze. Erick Aybar missed the bunt. Willits was dead in the water, run down by Varitek near third. For a second it looked like Varitek may have dropped the ball but the umpire got it right. Varitek tagged him and dropped the ball as he hit the ground well after the tag.

The game was still tied going into the bottom of the ninth. Juan Rivera was pinch hit for in the 9th by Kendry Morales. Willits entered the game when Morales hit a lead-off double. After the third out in the top of the 9th, Willits stayed in the game to play RF. Jason Bay hit a short fly to RF that Willits tried to run down. He layed out and missed it. The ball bounced into the crowd for a ground rule double. Two batters later, Jed Lowrie hit grounder through the infield to Willits who threw a late strike to the plate. Bay slid in and sealed Boston's series win.

What could the Angels have done? Hindsight tells us that a number of things could have changed the outcome. What if Scioscia let Aybar swing away? A fly out would have most likely driven in the fast Willits. A grounder through a hole or to a ranging infielder would have sent Willits home. I don't necessarily think the call was wrong. Scioscia new the risks and thought it was a good situation. If Aybar puts bat on ball, the Angels are up one run. K-Rod would have likely entered the game (despite pitching a long inning the night before). Instead Scot Shields went out for his second inning and gave up the winning run.

Here's another scenario. What if Scioscia put Vlad (the DH) in at RF? Sure Vlad has lost a step or 10 over the years but his arm is still one of the best in the league. He wouldn't have been fast enough to even have a bid on the Bay hit. Maybe the ball falls in front of him and he stops it from going in the stands and holds Bay at first. The next batter Kotsay drilled a liner to Teixera who dove to snag it. Teixera was playing off first base but if Bay was on at 1st, he plays closer. Maybe Bay goes on contact, the ball is hit right to Teixera and he doubles off Bay.

Say Bay makes it to second on the original pop up. Scioscia inserts Vlad in right knowing that any ground ball or short fly will mean a play at the plate. Does that increase in arm strength make up for him being slow of foot? Maybe... probably not. It was a bad way to lose. I'm sure Aybar and Willits will be replaying it in their heads the entire offseason.

The Fix Is In

Or at least I would like to believe it was fixed. The much talked about Kimbo Slice was KO'd in 14 seconds last night against pink-haired afterthought, Seth Petruzelli. I am not a Kimbo Slice fan. Mostly because I like MMA and was patiently awaiting the day when the overhyped Slice faced somebody who could actually fight. Slice made a name for himself brawling with skaters and "street fighters" on Youtube. Sure it looked impressive, he's big and they weren't.



Kimbo would have been right at home in the early days of the UFC when guys were content to stand and trade blows. Nowadays brawlers like him and Tank Abbott can't hang with well-rounded MMA fighters but can hang their hat on their "tough guy" reps.

Unfortunately of Slice, that rep took a significant hit last night when he took a (seemingly) phantom punch to the jaw and fell to his knees faster than Paris Hilton in night vision. After taking a couple of "power punches" to the head, the fight was called because Kimbo was not defending himself. Kimbo never argued which is weird because I didn't see Petruzelli land one punch that should have hurt Kimbo.

Petruzelli looks like he went to NBA fight camp. He missed half the punches he threw and the other half were open palmed slaps that were no doubt crafted from watching A-Rod slap baseballs out of mitts and Alonzo Mourning fights. Either this fight was fixed or 14 seconds of limp-wristed punishment is just too much for one man to handle.

-PSon

Clockwork: Cub Fans Methodically Fill Out Timecards, Go Home

Special Report from Cub-dumb

Another guest post from the inimitable Redick's Nut Juice Cocktail

IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

That’s the takeaway that idiot Cubs fans need to understand. Key word “idiot.” I’m a Cubs fan through and through, always will be. But I’d also like to think of myself as a rational human and sports fan.

Also, I’m not saying “it’s never gonna happen” because it might. I pray that it does. It just won’t happen this year, and there are some among us who need to take off the blinders, dilute the Kool Aid and − as The Real World tells us − start getting real.

Last night, as Carlos Zambrano got yanked after 3 earned runs in 6 1/3 innings (a 4.26 ERA), roughly half my section arose to give him a standing ovation. Granted I was in the bleachers, which significantly lowers our Section IQ. But a standing ovation for your ace giving up 3 runs? Are we Cardinals fans? One guy’s argument was literally “It’s a quality start, what do you want?”

I’m tired of these buffoons giving the rest of us a bad name. Do we really need to stand up for a full count with 1 out in the second inning of a scoreless game? Why are we dancing and singing along to Eddie Vedder’s trendy new Cubs song down 5-2 in the 7th inning of Game 1?

Be a real fan, and just sit there looking pissed off. I’m not a big advocate of booing, but I’d rather boo Big Z last night than give him a standing O.

Just think, if I had more money and was a “Jersey Guy”, this could have been me!

Lastly, calling the whole thing a curse is a copout. The only curse this franchise has is that it signs marquee players who choke every October. (See Derrek Lee: Zero RBI in ‘07 and ‘08 NLDS; Alfonso Soriano: .130, Zero RBI; Aramis Ramirez: .100, Zero RBI)

The curse simply adds to the Orwellian utopia that these morons live in. To make their Friendly Confines experience even more rosy next year, perhaps we could join hands and sing about the curse at the end of every 3rd inning:

Oh the black cat’s a-comin’, there’s nothin we can do/
Just drink a beer and smile and cheer, cuz that’s what Cubs fans do!/
And if you feel the urge, to boo or disapprove/
Remember that the Billy Goat Curse is the reason that we lose!

At the end of the day, I really do hope that they prove me wrong. Because if they do, you better believe I’ll be dancing and singing in the streets like an idiot. Until that day comes, I’m just gonna sit here looking pissed off.

-Redicks Nut Juice Cocktail

Special Playoff Baseball Koan:

If a team that has no fans wins a playoff series...

Does anyone care?

-bb13

A little brains never hurt anyone...

I don’t want to be an alarmist… and I know our country is facing uncertain times. But I can’t escape the nagging feeling that this whole “economy in crisis”, “terrorist threats abroad” hullabaloo is just a classic ‘wag-the-dog’ to divert the American public’s attention away from the true danger threatening our great nation. I speak, of course, of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

Anyone that watches the news and can “read between the lines” knows the Zombie Apocalypse is pretty fucking nigh. But I’m here to tell you it’s even closer than we think. Our society may have already been infiltrated, and perhaps even overrun. To borrow a phrase “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn’t exist.”

Well I’m here to blow the cover right off this thing. There are zombies among us! They even have high paying jobs in the media and are getting beamed into our homes every week!
Case in point: Andrea Kremer

I mean, come on. Look at that sallow, pasty skin. The lifeless look in her eyes. The way her bloodless lips smatter and twitch. Clear signs that she’s a zombie. A well-appointed and sometimes eloquent one. But a zombie nonetheless.


If photographic evidence isn’t enough, how about this transcript of an interview following last week’s Eagles vs. Bears game.

Andrea Kremer: 

"The Bears defense came up big not, once, but twice in goal line stands this game. What did you tell the guys to fire them up."

Brian Urlacher: 

"Well Andrea, I really don’t have to say much. These guys know the situations and… why are you looking at me like that? You look dangerously dehydrated."

Andrea Kremer: 

"What? No. I’m fine. So what did it feel like to stifle that last (brains) drive?"

Brian Urlacher: 

"It felt great I know we had big leads the last two games… wait, did you just say brains?"

Andrea Kremer: 

"Of course not. So Brian, what are you looking forward to in your match up with the Lions next (brrraaaiiiinnnnnsssss) week?"

Brian Urlacher: Ummmm, you’re creeping me out. And with the number of strippers I keep around that says a lot. Wait, stop. Are you measuring my head?

Andrea Kremer:

"Bbbbbbrrrrraaaaiiiiinnnnss, your skull is so big smooth. I just want to eat your brrrraaaainnnnnnsssss!!! Thanks Brian, lets take it back to the studio."

And scene.

-bb13

Pasty I, Robot Star Makes Splash In MLB Postseason

-PSon

Just the tip, baby

When I suggested the name Vagaries of Man-Love for this blog a couple months ago, I had no idea how keenly I’d feel that concept, and how aptly it would describe the last week of White Sox baseball.

The idea is that Man-Love, for all it’s tremendous and exhilarating highs… also comes with crushing lows. For every 90 win season, there’s a 90 loss season. For every stunning walk-off homer… there’s the 4 run lead blown in the 9^th.

I think it really gets to the root of why sports are so compelling. That gut-wrenching sense of loss is just as real and visceral as the glory of victory. At times it seems that losses are much more affecting and long lasting. The glow of a victory last days, even months, but tends to be an evanescent, shimmering warmth. But wondering what could have been? That pinched, gut-shot feeling, can inform a lifetime.

I love the White Sox. To an extent that is impossible to describe or share with anyone that doesn’t feel the same about another team. It defies reason, logic, social conditioning. I’ve loved them since as long as I can remember. It is what it is.

Last week the Sox reached their nadir and I had grown into the classic self-hate and weltshmerz that attends to nearly all Chicago sports fans. Several weeks of uninspired, futile baseball had sucked the life and fun out of our playoff hunt. I won’t belabor the details here, but it was painful.

But over the last three days the White Sox pulled off an increasingly unlikely comeback. Knocked to the mat, eyes bloodied and blue, they lifted themselves up for one desperate swing, and connected. Then another. Then another.

With Jim Thome’s TOWERING shot. With John Danks’ heroic effort on short rest. And with the unlikely double play combo of Griffey and AJ.

 

We’re in.

 

Both Chicago teams won their divisions and the faint prospect of a Crosstown Series looms impossibly large over the city. (A topic for another day)

For now, my blind obsession with a group of petulant, overpaid man-children, whose only connection to me is the color of the cloth on their backs, is paying dividends. I’ve been to the bottom, and after flirting with despondency, when all hope seemed lost… I’m back on top.

Thank you White Sox.

 

On a side note, here’s an impossibly poignant series of Dugouts:

Griff and Thome - 1

Griff and Thome - 2

I Knew I Loved Him The Second He Made Me Bleed Green Ooze

An excerpt from the Internet Movie Database:
Arnold Swartzenegger: 26. Predator (1987): Dutch
Maria Shriver: 2. Predator (1987): Predator

"He helped teach me that I am beautiful for who I am; that I don't need to cover myself up with technologically advanced body armor, or make-up."
-Maria Shriver

"No sudden movements you slimy freak. This stage is my Jungle"
-Arnold Swartzenegger

Wednesday Morning Rhetorical Questions Vol. II

1. Has anybody seen Al Davis and The Crypt Keeper in the same place at the same time?


2. Has anybody pulled Tony Romo out from under the bus that T.O. threw him under?


3. What time is it?


4. Which quarterback has the greatest disparity between their fantasy value and their actual skillset, Jon Kitna or Kurt Warner?


5. Who is the guy taking snaps for the Bears and what has he done with Kyle Orton?


6. If your life depended on a team going the length of the field in 2 minutes who would you want quarterbacking that team, Matt Cassel or Tom Brady on crutches?


7. Is it just me or between last week's Monday night loss to the Chargers and this week's full-on aerial assault on the Cardinals, did the Jets bring in a special consultant to teach the Jet receivers how to seek out Brett Favre's throws?

-PSon

Miracle... in the 25th Hour

All those hours checking lineups and add/dropping players. This is what it's for. This is what it feels like to be a champion. All that time spent in the training room and the film room, looking at tendencies, reading stat reports, day-trading pitchers, talking with scouts... The time away from my kids, watching them grow up through emails and late-night phone calls. Was it worth it? Probably not, but this is as good as it gets in the fantasy world.

This is the email I sent this morning to some friends:

An angel came down from the heavens last night in the form of a stat correction from almost 2 weeks ago. Roy Oswalt was given 2 earned runs from a start on 9/16 that were previously counted as unearned. The significance of this is that I went to sleep last night knowing that I took second place and all of mankind would have to deal with gingers’ collective rise to power. The forces of good (baseball stat guy) came together with a brilliant plan to put them down.

At 3:15 pm things looked great. Ubaldo was pitching the game of his life, 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 K. I dropped below him in ERA by.06. At 3:30 pm disaster struck. Jonathan Papelbon was put in the game by Francona. They were down 2 runs in the top of the 9th. There was no reason for this. Papelbon then proceeded to give up 3 earned runs. My ERA went above his by .04. Ubaldo became my only hope. Ubaldo made quick work of the D-backs. 112 pitches. 7 (seemingly) perfect innings. ERA is now .01 above his. One more inning and I have it. Then disaster struck. Hurdle inserted a pinch hitter. Something about, “not destroying his young arm.” Come on, I have a pennant to win.

A .01 loss.

Then this morning. Jubilation. A bitchy message post by the ginger. Satisfaction. Eff you Papelbon, you will never be on my team again and you are officially on the Man-Hate list. Ubaldo, why I gave up on you, nobody knows.

Am I a loser? Probably. But I'm a loser with $250 extra dollars in my pocket that I will now put in the TV fund for Black Friday. HD here I come!

Thanks for running the league Deuce and thanks for the boost in the finals. What I didn't mention was the email Deuce received on Thursday from the guy I was playing:

You can ship my $375 ($100 for regular season, $250 for playoffs, $50 for side bet less $25 to make up for the deadbeats) to the address below. Thanks again for the invite.

Looks like that check will be $150 lighter. But at least you got a healthy dose of karma and a Brewers playoff berth.

Just to thrust that shiv in one more time, the finals MVP is the above pictured Ubaldo Jimenez for his 7 inning, 10K, shutout performance yesterday. The season MVP goes to...

-PSon

Great Moments In Unintentionally Homoerotic Filmmaking

It takes a real man to ditch their inhibitions and engage in a questionable montage. They just don't make them like they made them in the 80s, the golden era of the homoerotic montage. Here are some of the best.

5. Brett Favre just having fun with the boys.

Brett Favre has always proven to be a trail blazer, and he's not afraid to take things back to the days when guys playing football in questionable attire was all the rage. You know, when you could just go out and play football with your best guy friends and everybody wanted to play O or D line so they can smile and put their hands all over each other. How many blockers do you need Brett?



4. Kevin Bacon gets loose.

Kevin Bacon, the quintessential 80s actor in probably the best solo dance scene of all time. Kevin Bacon cements his place in the annals of great homoerotic scenes with the under appreciated solo punch dance scene. Most guys put holes in walls when they are angry, Kevin Bacon thrusts his hips about, alone in an empty warehouse.



3. Slider, Cerrano, Sheen, and guy in pink shorts knock around a few balls.

Navy Seals, one of my favorite movies of all time contained a little known, but classic montage. Just a few guys having fun, playing golf, and performing choreographed golf cart routines. The attire in this clip really ties it all together. Come on Charlie, if a guy wants to run his club down your crack, you'd better let him.



2. Cruise, Kilmer, and friends lube up to side out.

In perhaps the greatest upset since Giants/Patriots, the Top Gun volleyball scene is not the most homoerotic montage of all time. Who would have thought a classic fighter pilot movie would break out during your average lubed up, tension filled weekend volleyball game. Lost amid the action is Kenny Loggins cementing his status as the go-to guy for homoerotic movie montage music.



1. Rocky and Creed move in unison to a silent tune.

Not much to say, the video says it all. A timeless example of former enemies sharing a friendship that transcends the word. Two boxers in their primes running on the beach, dancing back to chest, and wrestling in the water. Nothing wrong with that.



-PSon

Charlie Weis - Doubful ("Turkey Lodged In Gullet"-like Symptoms)

Rhetorical Questions on a Wednesday Morning

• How hard did Matt Cassel shit his pants when he found out Brady was hurt? We're talking about a guy who hadn't started a game since high school. He seemed perfectly content with riding the pine, holding a clipboard, and cupping Brady's balls. Serious doubts need to be raised about a person's ability to start in the NFL when they spent their entire career backing somebody up and never got the itch to transfer. Now he's playing for the most ruthless coach in the league and playing with a bunch of guys who took pay cuts to be part of something special.


• Has anybody seen Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps in the same room at the same time?



• Has there ever been a bigger sham than Charlie Weis' coaching career? Both him and Romeo Crennel parlay their brush with Bela-chick's genius into head coaching jobs. Crennel has had mixed results. Weis basically rode Tyrone Willingham's recruits to a strong start but since those guys graduated, he has coached Notre Dame to new levels of ineptitude.
  
• If the Yankees miss the playoffs in the middle of the forest, do they make a sound?

• Did Hank Aaron have Barry Bonds killed? Has anybody heard from him?

• How did Brett Favre throw so many picks in his career with that "rocket arm"? More importantly, how many would he have thrown if he had Chad Pennington's arm? The Chargers' defenders spent the entire game Monday night having balls bounce off their arms and chest. Even Cromartie (who had 2 INTs in the game) had at least one easy drop (that I can remember).

• Did Javon Walker's career die with Darrent Williams? I can only hope that this is the most tragic event that will ever happen to the Broncos. I was in a daze for weeks. Then it came out that the incident came about (allegedly) because Walker was spraying champagne over a nightclub crowd. Who doesn't like that? Turns out a couple of Denver thugs didn't like that. A good friend died. Walker didn't learn his lesson. Earlier this year at a Las Vegas club, Walker was seen doing the same thing. Same result except this time the karma got him. Walker was assaulted and left to bleed on the streets of Las Vegas. Now he's toiling away in Oakland. Please note - Brandon Marshall was actually the one who was allegedly spraying the crowd on that fateful New Year's night. Point still stands however. Walker has seen what these things can do to people. Maybe it's best not to floss at a nightclub when you don't know who might be there and might take offense.
  

-PSon

Great Athletes of the Silver Screen: Willie "Mays" Hayes

"Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes." - Willie "Mays" Hayes

"Well, You run like Mays, but you hit like shit. With your speed, you're supposed to lay one down and beat it out. Every time I see you pop one up, you owe me 20 push-ups." - Lou Brown

"No problem. [pops a ball up] Shit. [does push-ups]." -Willie "Mays" Hayes

ATHLETE: WILLIE "MAYS" HAYES

ACTOR: WESLEY SNIPES/OMAR EPPS

MOVIE: MAJOR LEAGUE (1989) / MAJOR LEAGUE II (1994)

DOMINANT SPORT: BASEBALL, NARCISSISM, RUNNING BAREFOOT

LOVE INTEREST: HIMSELF

ENEMY: TEAM OWNER RACHEL PHELPS, NEW YORK YANKEES, OPPOSING CATCHERS, DELUSIONS OF POWER HITTING, JACK PARKMAN


MISSION: MAKE A MAJOR LEAGUE TEAM, PUT ON A HITTING DISPLAY, STEAL 100 BASES IN A SEASON, HIT LIKE MAYS, RUN LIKE HAYES


REAL-LIFE COUNTERPART: RICKEY HENDERSON


Frankly, every character in Major League deserves their own profile. "Wild Thing" Rick Vaughn, superstitious power hitter Pedro Cerrano, cagey catcher Jake Taylor, aging third baseman Roger Dorn, and even the underrated pitcher Eddie Harris ("Yo bartender, Jobu needs a refill"). The second Hayes came on the screen, he electrified the audience with his mix of athleticism and self-confidence. Hayes was a non-invitee to camp but he stole the show in the 40 when he came from 10 yards back to smoke two fellow players, while wearing his pajamas and running barefoot.

Hayes' delusions of being a power hitter were quickly squashed by the Indians coach who forced Hayes to do push ups every time he hit a pop up which happens often when you have warning track power. Hayes soon made it a goal to steal 100 bases in a season, a much more attainable goal for Willie's skill set ("I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.").

The five best Willie "Mays" Hayes moments were:

1. The first game of the year when Hayes tried to steal second and wound up a good 2 feet short on the head-first slide into second.
2. Hayes' memorable performance in the American Express commercial, "American Express, don't steal home without it."
3. Hayes hits a pop up and does push ups at the plate before the ball even hits the ground.
4. Hayes hits a pop up between first and second. He sprints behind the waiting fielder and screams, "I got it, I got it." Fielder backs off, ball drops, Hayes is safe at second.
5. In Major League II, Hayes tells White Sox catcher (and former Indians catcher) Jack Parkman that when comes home, he's not going to slide. Fast forward and Hayes comes around third with a head of steam, lowers his shoulder, and when Parkman crouches he jumps over him. Game over.

-PSon

Ed Hochuli Support Group

This was going to be an Ed Hochuli Fan Club post, but that was before he blew the call broken down by the Prodigal Son below. Now, Ed needs more than just a run of the mill "Fan Club". He needs a support group.

First things first. If you don't know why Ed Hochuli deserves a fan club, first look at him. Then listen to this: http://www.790theticket.com/audioplayer.php?mp3=1650228446Ed%20Hochuli%20
Interview-%207-18-07.mp3&show=The+Dan+Le+Betard+Show+
with+Stugotz&id=2775

Idiot Host: "Should I punch Dan Lebatard in the face?"
Hochuli: "Can I say Please?"

Now I wasn't able to find the clip, but a few years ago there was a TV show that followed Ed Hochuli through his daily routine. Here is the 24 hour breakdown:

-Inseminating women to ensure proliferation of his MAN genes: 2 hours
-Depositing sperm to be used for artificial insemination of woman whose husbands could inseminate them, but would rather have Hochuli up in them: 2 hours-Injecting ster...errrrrrrrrrr protein shakes into his blood stream: 2 hours
-Watching tape of his previous week's performance and brutally criticizing the most minute errors: 4 hours
-Hammering a wedge underneath the Universal machine at the gym so he could then Bench press it: 1 second
-Bench Pressing the Universal machine at the gym: 13 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds

Man. I couldn't help but get a little caught up in how jacked Ed Hochuli is. I really meant to focus on the fact that his little show on ESPN revealed how brutally self-critical he is. He was pissed because his hand signal for a penalty wasn't crisp enough. Last night, he flat out changed the outcome of a game between two playoff hopefuls. I'm praying he doesn't leave the house without his cell phone.

Re-Charged

The Broncos achieved a thrilling victory yesterday against their bitter rivals, the San Diego Chargers. In probably the most controversial finish since "The Tuck Rule" game, the Broncos did their best to choke a 31-17 half time lead.

It was truly a tale of two halves. Cutler threw most of his 350 yards and notched 3 TDs in the first half but Denver's offense went cold in the second. Up by one point late in the 4th, Cutler threw an ill-advised 3rd down pass on the goal line for his only INT. It set up a long receiving TD by Darren Sproles who continues to destroy the Broncos every time they play.

Down by 7, Cutler led the Broncos the length of the field. This is when the controversy began. After rolling out on a bootlegged play, Cutler attempted to fire the ball into the end zone. The ball slipped out of his hand before his hand started its forward motion. The nearest referee blew his whistle and signalled an incomplete pass while a Chargers defender recovered the loose ball. Replays indicated it was a fumble but because the ref blew his whistle, it was a dead ball the second it hit the ground. Bronco ball. 3rd down. Draw play to the 2. Cutler fires to Royal on 4th down. Touchdown. Shanny signals for the gutsy 2-point conversion, Cutler again threads one to Royal for the 1 point lead. Heartbreak for the Chargers.

My take on the play and the game in general? The Broncos win and take a gigantic 2 game lead in the division. Should they have won? Probably not. Cutler said it himself in the post game press conference, "Fumble I think...". What can you do, the official got the play wrong on the field but Ed Hochuli (in all his beefy glory) made the correct interpretation. The Broncos got lucky twice (earlier in the game they won a replay because of equipment malfunction) and won the game. It happens. Luckily it was in the Broncos favor this time.

Cutler had a monster game once again and he acknowledged that his two blemishes almost cost the Broncos a game. He learned a valuable lesson without having to lose the game. Brandon Marshall came back from his one game "personal conduct" suspension and caught 18 balls for 166 yards against one of the best corners in the league. Cutler threw 50 balls. Marshall and Royal had a touchdown apiece. Scheffler had 2. The high octane Broncos are back. Terrible defense, terribly exciting offense. Can't wait for the next one.

-PSon

Beanie Wells - Doubtful (Gunshot)

This was the sickening scene two Saturdays ago during Ohio State's drubbing of Youngstown State. The Buckeyes' conquering hero when down in a split second, no doubt the victim of sniper fire. Words couldn't express the deep pain and sadness felt by Buckeye Nation. These feelings which normally lay dormant until an early-January crushing defeat, were all too real in a matter of moments.

"I don't understand it, one moment he was eluding a limp-wristed arm tackle by a Division I-AA opponent. Then all of a sudden he dropped the ball and fell in a heap, screaming in agony," said senior QB Todd Boeckman. The Zapruder-like video below shows the incident although there is no actual video of any gunman. It can be assumed that he was shot, given the fact that he dropped the ball and seeing the immense pain Wells was experiencing.



Conspiracy theorists suggest a fanatical USC booster could be the culprit. Recent "improper benefits" allegations have plagued USC's program so money is tight. Only the first string and select second teamers have been awarded with traditionally lavish gifts so they have had to look elsewhere to get an edge on the competition. It looks like they may have succeeded as Beanie is listed as doubtful for the game.

The Ascension of Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler is a man. He has answered the question as to who is the best quarterback from the 2006 NFL draft. Matt Leinart (drunk) and Vince Young (crazy) were both drafted ahead of Cutler but he seems to be the only one of the three who both cares about football enough to work to make himself better and has the mental fortitude to stand in the face of detractors and ball like he should.

Cutler put on a clinic Monday while playing without his best receiver. He hit guys in stride on tough routes and systematically picked apart the much lauded tandem of Nnamdi Asomugha and DeAngelo Hall. Yeah I know it was the Raiders but his real test comes this weekend against the San Diego Chargers and resident toolbox, Philip Rivers. You might remember the shit-talking clinic Rivers tried to put on Cutler as the seconds were waning in the Chargers drubbing of the Broncos. Hey Phil, Cutler is back and his swagger is more pronounced than ever.

The reason for Cutler's rise can be attributed to shedding his horribly debilitating meth addiction. The unkempt hair and mammoth bags under his eyes are clear signs of a meth-head and much like my hero Hammie, Jay has risen from the depths to take his rightful place next to John Elway in Bronco lore. An heir to the throne has surfaced.

Note: While looking for pictures of Cutler, I could only find pictures of this guy. This is the picture that made we want to vomit the least.

Folding Landry

If you haven't seen this yet, enjoy. This is what happens when you try to lower the shoulder on a 250 lb man running at full speed. Brandon Jacobs doesn't have time for your piddling arm tackles. Next time just throw yourself at his feet and hope he trips on your limp body. Getting whiplash and having your chest stepped on is not the way to prolong your career.

Same Ol' Mississippi Boy

Just to show that some things never change, Jet Favre came out of the gates with a couple of breathtaking wounded duck TD tosses. Watch this second one, the pass is only 20-30 yards but Brett heaves it end over end about 50 yards in the air. I think the receiver was confused and called for a fair catch. Maybe he was trying to save the Jets receivers from having to deal with his "rocket arm."

Don't Tell My Heart...

Listen. I'm a NY guy. I'm a big Yankees guy. But, with the exception of the Yankees, I don't really perceive sports in any emotional context. I like athletes who play the game well. I like smart athletes whose intelligence shows on the field.

Thanks to all the national media coverage that the "Boston Vs. New York" rivalry has received recently, all U.S. Americans know that NY sports fans hate Boston sports fans and vice versa. Boston fans love to talk about NY's lack of chemistry, the fact that they try to buy championships. If you don't know exactly what most NY sports fans hate about Boston fans, listen to Jay Mohr's Boston take which was posted by the Prodigal Son a few weeks ago on this blog. The point: Boston sports fans are douchebags. Maybe Yankee fans are arrogant and condescending. But why wouldn't they be? They're the best franchise in the game's history and it's not close. I'm part of the NY hate on Boston.

But all of this is preface to the biggest news of the NFL's opening weekend. Tom Brady is out for the season with "a serious knee injury". Look at him. I hate Boston, and I love Tom Brady. That is a love against all odds, a beautiful story. I was sitting at a bar with 30 TV's in Williamsburg, VA a few years ago. I remember everything. Cool, crisp day. The bar had it's windows open, and I was about to ask them to close them because I had a chill. When I turned around (to the left) to find my waiter and make my request, my eyes passed over a TV showing a male model in what seemed to be an elaborate commercial resembling a football game. He was floating up above the pocket on a cloud. He hit some extra 70 yards down the field, in stride, for a touchdown. But then it hit me. A hot flash. Keep that window open Mr. Waiter. It wasn't a commercial. He wasn't a model. It was Tom Brady. That "extra" was one of New England's hapless receivers trying not to embarrass himself by dropping one of the 30 passes that Brady would put into his receivers' hands that day. A few years later, N.E. would get Brady some real targets, and what do you know! He throws more touchdowns in a year than anyone in the history of the NFL.

This is a sad day, my friends, my enemies. Boston or NY. America or Africa. It doesn't matter. Tom has fallen. He will rise again. Pray with me for 8000 puff pieces on what underwear commercials Tom's doing with all his free time.

Fantasy Football Nation

Check out this video of Chris Cooley's Redskins Fantasy Draft which I saw on Deadspin but was also forwarded to me by my boy Popes:



This is an example of when a fantasy draft goes well. Everyone is having a good time, staying loose, not taking things too seriously. Much like my Bravo Fantasy League draft (gotta give a shout out to my boys on the camping trip... Wood Up, Stay High). Problem is, nobody is really taking the league seriously. Notice how former Colorado exhibitionist and Hawaii hero Colt Brennan provides a crowd pleasing first round pick of Ohio State hater, LenDale White.

When drafts go poorly, you're in for 4 hours of retread jokes. It's like everybody is reading the same Fantasy Football For Dummies book, complete with "joke" templates so you can fill in as needed. Here are some examples:

1. "Hey, If you need another RB, I heard (insert retired football player) is still available." Hahahahahahaha

2. "Hey guys, I heard (insert lambasted QB) is looking good in (insert team)'s camp." Hahahahahahaha.

3. When the draft reaches the later rounds, "Hey, is (insert obvious top 5 pick) still available?" Hahahahahaha

4. The obligatory "HOMER" call when a guy drafts somebody from their favorite team, even if it's the right spot in the draft or the guy has dropped a few rounds further than he should have. Hahahahahahahaha.

5. The standard name mispronunciations or lame "this name sounds like" jokes such as, "I'll take SanAntonio Holmes", or "I'll take T.J. Whosh-your-mama." Hahahahahaha, wow... good stuff.

6. "Hey, I don't see (insert name of player just taken) on my list. Oh yeah there he is, way down at the bottom." Hahahahahaha.

7. Joey Harrington jokes.

8. Ricky Williams drug references.

9. Using the word sleeper.

Here are things that are funny:

1. Guys with draft sheets and magazines that are 3 months old.

2. Guys who get too drunk.

3. Guys who draft players that are on IR.

4. Brett Favre in the first round.

5. Guys who draft the Bears' Adrian Peterson in a live Yahoo draft instead of the Vikings' Adrian Peterson. This is not to be confused with guy who makes joke about whether you drafted the Bears' Peterson or the Vikings' Peterson. That guy is a tool.

6. Guys who draft kickers in the 5th Round.

7. Guys who draft a top 5 quarterback and say, "I know I'm reaching but this guy is my sleeper, I'll take Ben Roethlisberger."

8. "I'll take (insert name of Bears QB)." If this were a Beirut draft, I'd be all about it but we're going for guys who throw TDs, not ping pong balls and INTs.

-PSon (trying not to look past the fantasy baseball playoffs)