Showing posts with label fat jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat jokes. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

MLB Bombshell: 100% of fat players use performance inhibiting substances


Early this morning Major League Baseball released the Winchell Report, a list of players confirmed to have taken performance inhibiting substances. The list may come as a shock to some as former All-Stars and future Hall of Famers are included on this list. The prevailing opinion with the public is one of mistrust. Many of these players were fan favorites, gritty guys who were perceived as players that achieved a lot in spite of their physical deformities. This list raises doubt in some minds. I spoke to a Philadelphia resident who preferred to remain anonymous, "Krukie was my guy you know. He was a big guy who just saw the ball and raked in the ribbies, I mean... he was one of us. Now I see this list and his name is on it and I think, you know, I bust my tail everyday to make a living and this guy has a gift like that but can't lay off the cheese steaks. It hurts man, he could have been the greatest." John Kruk, one of the players named sat down with Peter Gammons on the set of Baseball Tonight. Here's a little bit of what he had to say:
When I arrived in Philly in 1989, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.

Back then, it was a different culture. It was very loose. Guys were hanging out at the Taco Bell everyday after training. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. I thought, there's no way this could hurt me. A Nacho Bell Grande here and there can't hurt. And I wanted to prove to everyone that, you know, I could do a keg-stand or two and it wouldn't hurt my play. You know, for that I'm very sorry and deeply regretful.

Gammons also asked Kruk what kind of substances he was taking.

Peter, that's the thing. Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era. You don't see the clubhouse spreads you see today. We were on our own to find food and guys fell into this trap of, you know, getting any kind of food that was fast and cheap. I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don't know exactly what I was eating.

Other notable players on the list are Tony Gwynn, Joba Chamberlain, Cecil Fielder, Prince Fielder, Fernando Valenzuela, David Wells, and half the catchers in the player database.

-PSon

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Blueberry Mangina!


In shocking news, the Genealogy Department of Kansas State University revealed that University of Kansas Football Head Coach Mark Mangino is the illegitimate son of Violet Beauregarde and any of a handful of Oompa Loompas.



It appears that after her “dejuicening” the young Ms. Beauregarde was taken in by the Oompa Loompas and kept as a sex slave/dungeon kitty for years. Her torment finally came to an end after she escaped her confinement just long enough to drown herself in the Chocolate River, an ode to Dostoevsky’s “Crime and Punishment” and in honor of her first love, Augustus Gloop. She is survived by Mark Mangino and Mark Paul Gosselaar.

At last weekend’s CU vs KU game, fans were heard reciting this Wonka-themed heckle.

"Oompa loompa doompty doo
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doompty dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What do you when your coach is so fat
he eats all the cake like a ten-year old brat?

He cleans his plate with his mouth and a lick
it takes him hours just to find his own dick

After the game Kansas players can’t eat
while their jolly coach can’t see his own feet

Oompa loompa doompty dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
Oompa loompa doompty doo
fat jokes are funny if they’re not about you"



-bb13