Sports Reporting for Dummies

1. Speak loudly. Scream if you must. Talking over the other guy will insure nobody hears his more well thought out argument.
2. Come prepared. There is nothing worse than 2 analysts who agree on something. It is your duty to play the Devil’s Advocate. No matter how ridiculous your argument sounds, stupid people will eat it up.
3. Unless you are Michael Irvin, Craig Sager, or Marcellus Wiley: always wear the same jacket but keep a steady rotation of 5 shirts and 5 ties. Mix and match. Nobody will ever notice. Especially if you’re Stuart Scott.
4. If you are Steve Young, don’t even attempt to hide your disdain for Emmitt Smith.
5. If you are Stuart Scott, only speak when spoken to.
6. A poor grip on the English language is ok. In fact, it may get you a contract extension. Feel free to make up your own words.
   
7. If you are a former player, it is ok to talk about guys being overpaid these days, don't forget to mention how you had to hold a second job to support your family when you played. NEVER mention the difference between their training regimen (3 hours in the gym, balanced diet…) and yours (blow, booze, cigarettes, loose women…).
8. Feel free to throw in a few anecdotes about your strengths as a player. Exaggerations and flat out lies are ok; if you are Tim Hasselbeck or Trent Dilfer YOU MUST DO THIS TO KEEP YOUR JOB. For instance, “When you’re a quarterback, you have to be the leader. I remember when I played; I would pull the guys together before game time and tell them how much it meant to battle with them like men. I looked in their eyes and saw respect.”
9. It is ok to spit all over the place and throw out vaguely racist blasts ONLY IF you are Lou Holtz.
10. If you used to play on the offensive line, reminisce on what it was like “in the trenches” any chance you get. Remember, hyperbole is your friend.
11. If you are Boomer Esiason, never let Dan Marino forget that his legacy is built on passing records, not NFL championships. Remind him that records are made to be broken and openly celebrate when they are broken.
    
12. If you are Dan Marino, let all the blood rush to your face as you ponder the many ways to murder Esiason. Remind Boomer that: 1) He played for the Bengals. 2) He is a moron. 3) His real name is Norman. 4) He falls asleep the same way every night. Alone in a dark room, empty except for a bed, broken mirror, nightstand, box of tissues, picture of Marino, Isotoner gloves, and Jergens. He seeks comfort at the bottom of a bottle of gin, a single tear falls from his face as he dozes off.
13. You MUST be willing to utilize horrible, beaten down jokes. Find a way to work in jokes such as, “Wide receivers are like 7-11s. In their minds, they are always open.” Also, if your coworker is able to work in one of these gems, it is your job to force laughter. Practice in a mirror, I promise nobody will think you are a sellout moron.
    
14. Finding a gimmick is key. For some, this means making up poorly thought out nicknames, for others it means acting flamboyant (cough… Skip Bayless) or crotchety (err… Woody Paige).
15. Be attractive.

-PSon