Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Brandon Inge puts on hitting display during Home Run Derby

During last night’s Home Run Derby, Brandon Inge showed why he was named to the American League All-Star team when he went 7-7 with 2 sac flies and a swinging sac bunt. Inge showed more than any other contestant the fundamental brand of baseball that Detroit fans have come to love. While more selfish contestants were hitting 480 foot bombs, they were also fouling a lot of good pitches into the stands and generally not taking full advantage of poor pitch placement. Inge remarked, “It’s the way I was taught to play. If I have a runner on second and I get a high, hanging outside pitch, I ain’t going to try and pull it to the left field bleachers and risk popping out. Slap that baby into right field to score the run. Hell, even if I get the ball down in the dirt, the runner is probably advancing to third. I’ve done my job.”

When asked to comment, Derby winner Prince Fielder simply replied, “Who is Brandon Inge?”


-PSon

Monday, July 13, 2009

UFC 100 - Sifting Through the Rubble


The UFC 100 card was touted as the best ever and it showed, both in the match outcomes as well as pay-per-view sales and the gate. Closed-circuit viewings of the event were put up all over Vegas, at pools and smaller venues. Holly Madison served as an honorary ring girl and you could feel the contempt coming from the normal ring girls. They were so angry, they couldn’t even muster a fake smile and wave for all the pervs UFC fans at home. In perhaps the biggest upset of the night, Joe Rogan narrowly beat out Criss Angel for tightest jeans and I’m pretty sure Rogan and light heavyweight champion Lyoto Machida bought their shirts 2 for 1.

The night started off innocently enough as Yoshihiro Akiyama won a 3 round decision over American, Alan Belcher, although many believed that Belcher had the fight won. The fight was actually pretty solid as both fighters were game and consistently stood toe to toe with each other. Belcher succeeded in closing Akiyama’s left eye as the fight waned but Akiyama was able to gain the upper hand in the last minute with a takedown. That was likely the nail in the coffin in what was a close fight and a close decision, although Joe Rogan did say that “Belcher got robbed”. Thanks Joe.

With most UFC cards you have one championship bout or at least 2 guys fighting for a title shot and maybe one other good fight with intriguing guys. This card boasted two title fights as well as a fight between the two guys who coached this season of The Ultimate Fighter, Dan Henderson and Michael Bisping. Normally the coaches draft the guys they coach but this season the UFC decided to have a team of Americans (coached by Henderson) and a team of International fighters (coached by Bisping). The International team dominated the American team all season and Bisping never forgot to let Hendo know about it.

Add a little Bisping smack to a couple of Hendo “douchebag” blasts and you have a grudge match between 2 capable fighters. Henderson, who is a very low key/under the radar guy outside the octagon is an animal of a fighter inside. A former Olympic wrestler, Hendo has expanded his game to the point where he is one of the more feared strikers in the game. Bisping, the brash young Briton, has been working his way up the middleweight ladder ever since he destroyed all comers in season 3 of The Ultimate Fighter. He is an English national treasure and wears his nationality proudly on his sleeve. Of course, that did not sit well with the American crowd who booed the Brit from the outset; Bisping responded by waving his hands up and down unapologetically, begging for more. The fight started innocently enough, Hendo stalking as Bisping retreated, more than willing to play a waiting man’s game. Hendo loaded up a few haymakers but was unable to connect to his retreating foe. The first round ended and while Henderson succeeded in winning the round, the fight was unquestionably still in doubt. A little into the 2nd, Rogan pointed out that Bisping was circling to his left, doing exactly as his corner instructed him not to. This effectively allowed Hendo to call in the bomb squad, a little timing of footwork, a left shoulder cock, and he was weapons hot. Bisping never saw it coming. As he moved his head backwards to escape a left jab he dropped his hands and was hit with a thunderous right hand, perfectly placed to the base of the left side of his jaw. The lights went out immediately; at least he didn’t have to suffer what came next. As Bisping’s head went back and whiplashed into the canvas, Henderson threw his entire body weight into another glorious shot to the prone combatant. The referee intervened at that point, it was the first time Michael Bisping was KO’d in his career.

Eventually he woke up, confused, trying to figure out what happened. Did somebody hit him with a two-by-four? Maybe an unruly fan threw a chair into the fracas and he was knocked cold? No, that was a healthy dose of karma in the form of a Dan Henderson right. He walked out of the octagon with some help, stumbling like a frat boy on his 21st birthday. Of note during Hendo’s interview was that:

  1. Bisping does that in all his fights and he knew he would catch him with one eventually.
  2. Hendo knows when he’s knocked somebody out and he doesn’t usually do that but, “that second shot was just a little something to shut his mouth.”

Tell it like it is Hendo.

The Georges St. Pierre – Thiago Alves fight was pretty yawn inducing. GSP came out with his normal workmanlike attitude and methodically broke down the explosive challenger. He said before the fight that this would be his biggest test yet and he aced it. After 25 minutes of MMA action, GSP hadn’t a cut or bruise on him while Alves was left badly beaten. All the more humiliating for Alves, was the fact that GSP suffered a torn groin or abductor midway through the fight but was still able to get Thiago to the ground whenever he felt like it. Sadly, much like Anderson Silva in the middleweight division, as far as legitimate challengers go, the cupboard may be bare for St. Pierre.

What happened in the main event could not live up to what happened after the main event. Brock Lesnar v Frank Mir is a rematch that has been in the making since Mir stopped Lesnar in his UFC debut back in February of 2008 with a knee bar after Lesnar had dominated the fight up to that point. Their relationship was not born out of respect. Mir believes the belt Lesnar earned was rightfully his since Mir lost it without actually losing a match (he was injured in a motorcycle accident and could not defend his title). Lesnar claimed that Mir's interim belt (which was awarded to him after his win over Antonio Nogueira) was a fake belt and was unhappy at the lack of respect shown by Mir. Lesnar quickly showed what he was capable of as he smothered Mir early and often, taking him down and repeatedly throwing unanswered strikes to Mir's face. The fight was stopped in the 2nd round when Mir showed he was no longer able to defend himself. This is when Lesnar's WWE roots kicked in. As Mir rose, his face bloodied and battered, Lesnar walked over and tried to get in Mir's face, but was held back. He then proceeded to flip off the crowd who had booed him all night. During the postfight interview with Rogan, Lesnar put on perhaps his greatest show by:

  1. Saying he was going to go home and drink a Coors Light... not a Bud Light (which was one of the main sponsors of the event) because Bud Light would not pay him any money.
  2. Saying he was going to go home and hang with friends and family and "maybe even get on top of my wife." Keep it classy.
  3. Claiming that Frank Mir has "had a horseshoe up his ass for 2 years."
Even though Lesnar was apologetic (following a severe tongue lashing by UFC president Dana White), it is clear that the UFC now has a villain. Overall, The Ultimate Fighter alum fared poorly on the night. Former winners Bisping and Mac Danzig as well as former runners up, Stephan Bonnar and CB Dollaway were all beaten. Of note, UFC Hall of Famer, Mark "The Hammer" Coleman managed to win his match (over Bonnar) without the ability to stand under his own power for longer than 2 minutes. In all seriousness, Coleman used to be my favorite fighter and it was good to see him last 3 rounds and get a win under his belt.

Looking forward to UFC 101 where BJ Penn will put his title on the line against Kenny Florian and Anderson Silva (the middleweight champion) will move up a weight class to battle former light heavyweight champion Forrest Griffin. Remember what happened last time Silva moved up to 205.

-PSon

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Cubs Press Release: Steve Bartman injected Sammy Sosa with Performance Enhancing Drugs

Tuesday night, Cubs officials issued a press release to renounce the statements made about Sammy Sosa relating to PEDs and also to provide unquestionable photographic evidence of the suspected assailant’s actions:

“We were deeply saddened to hear the allegations leveled against Chicago Cubs legend, Sammy Sosa, who by all accounts is a deeply devoted family man and champion of many charitable causes in the Chicago area as well as in his hometown of San Pedro de MacorĂ­s, Dominican Republic. Sammy has always been a hero to skinny teenagers who aspire to grow bulging muscles on every inch of their bodies, aided by a strong work ethic, a healthy smile, and the occasional unbanned substance.

Upon hearing the allegations, our thoughts drifted to a cryptic picture we received in the mail a few days ago. The man in the picture was none other than our old friend Steve Bartman; one hand trying to catch the infamous fly ball and the other hand vicously flinging what appeared to be a loaded syringe onto Wrigley Field. Right now, Steve Bartman is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of PEDs. Intelligence gathered by this and other organizations leaves no doubt that the Bartman regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal PEDs ever devised. We are learning more as we interrogate or have discussions with Bartman scientists and people within the Bartman structure, that perhaps he destroyed some, perhaps he dispersed some. And so we will find them. We'll find him. It'll be a matter of time to do so.

Legal action will be taken in the event that Bartman is apprehended. We would like to take this last moment to send a message to Cub Nation. If you see Mr. Bartman in the streets, please do not attempt to harm him [wink] or otherwise engage in any heinous act of vigilante justice [wink].”

VoML was unable to reach the Chicago Cubs front office to discuss the accusations that the photograph was doctored.

-PSon

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

On the heels of new "Mamba" look; Kobe signs 3-movie deal

Kobe and Pau's season ends and they find out they no longer have an outlet for their intense passion. Problem solved...


Kobe bursts onto the scene as America's most polarizing new male model, "Black Mamba", making immediate enemies of standout Derek Zoolander. Can Zoolander keep his stranglehold on the modeling world or will Kobe prove that turning both ways is the way of the future?

A sinister cell of Albanian pedophiles infiltrates the Los Angeles Lakers and steals another chance at a ring for Kobe. Kobe unleashes his inner beast as he snaps his teeth all over the greater L.A. area, leaving confused citizens in his wake. He will not stop until he's broken every one of his poor shooting teammates.

Soundtracks by Shaq "Diesel" O'Neal.

-PSon