Open letter to Juan Uribe

(Unlike some of the other posters here, I have not forgotten that there are other sports going on now besides the Olympics)

Dear Juan Uribe,

In your reasonably long tenure with the White Sox, I feel like you've never quite gotten your due. You've been saddled with some unfortunate nickames: Submariner, El Profundo. Management has done everything they can to get rid of you short of putting a FREE sign on you and leaving you on the front yard. Sox fans... sorta hate you... sorry man, but it's largely true. 

And through it all you've persevered. You've done everything asked of you, never complained, and goddamn if you've never given it your all every second you're on the field. And I'm here to tell you, I think you're pretty awesome. You're the Anti-Nick Punto. A veteran utility man that actually brings value to the table.

But why the hate? I think it's your hitting. I've often wondered whether or not you close your eyes at the plate and just swing as hard as you can. At every pitch. Sure, it leads to some exciting results, you've hit over 20 homeruns and driven in 70 runs in 3 seasons. That's damn good for a SS hitting 7th or lower. But it's average and your near chronic disability when taking walks. It leads to long, painful slumps.

What really sets you apart is your fielding. You're an amazing fielder. You were well above average in range at SS. And that arm. That cannon arm. I've never regular seen a SS backhand a ball in the hole then rifle a throw to first so consistently. At 2nd you were great, too good. I often felt bad for Paulie having to try and catch those missles fired from about 20 feet away.

But what has really been amazing is your play the last few weeks. Relegated to a super-sub role when we picked up O-Cab, you waited patiently on the bench, not unlike the fat kid in little league, just waiting for his shot. Well your shot came when Joe Crede's faulty back crapped out for the millionth time. We were like "shit, who plays third." We tried to bring up that hot-shot Jesus-lover Josh Fields, but damn if his whiny ass didn't shit the bed. So who steps up to play Gold Glove caliber defense at the hot corner? My boy Juan Uribe. You've been amazing lately. Saving runs and saving games with just stellar defense. Your cannon arm finally gets to shine. You've been playing great, and I want to thank you.

Plus, you have one of my top two White Sox moments ever.* Game 4 of the World Series, 

bottom of the 9th, up by one run. Some Astro douche hits a short fly sailing out of bounds, Joe "Gold Glove" Crede can't reach it, but you, my portly hispanic dynamo, come flying out of nowhere diving into the stands to make an amazing play. AMAZING. If that pretty-boy douche Jeter had done that it would have been regarded as the best play in World Series history. But you, workman-like as ever, saw a job that had to get done. And did it.**

So for all of that. I commend you Juan Uribe. Sure, sometimes you can't hit for a lick. But your presence on the field is a salve to defensive concerns to all our pitchers, and White Sox fans everywhere. 

-bb13

ps While writing this, Mr Uribe picked up the last of back-to-back-to-back-to-back homeruns (that's 4) versus the obnoxious, annoying Royals.

* #1 is definitely bringing El Duque in with the bases loaded and no outs versus the Red Sox. Then El Duque escapes unscathed... somehow. That's probably the best moment in White Sox history.

** I often think about if that play had been reversed, and an Astro fielder had to go into the crowd for an out during the World Series at U.S. Cellular. What would happen? Would it be the first instance of an MLB player getting shived on the field of play? We may never know.

Hop on the Pain-Train to Title Town!

Ummm, welcome to the team Ken Griffey, Jr? Today the White Sox made a bold... if largely puzzling splash by trading a middling minor league second baseman (Danny Richar) and perhaps the worst reliever ever (Nick "Magic" Massett) for the once mighty and formidable Junior. 

Junior has been an annual subject of trade rumors for the Sox since Kenny "Dark Ninja" Williams took over as GM. And finally, Kenny's man-crush/love-boner for Junior has come to fruition. But at the most unexpected of times. Why unexpected? Cuz where the hell is Junior gonna play?

The Sox are locked in at the corner OF. Q! and Dye aren't going anywhere, and both continue to rake. There is currently an abysmal black hole in Paul "Eeyore" Konerko at first base. We have a better first baseman in Nick Swisher, currently playing center. And Jim "Pretty Rabbit" Thome as our slugging, left handed DH.

Where does Griffey fit into all of this. If the year was 1997, I would be crapping my pants in excitement. Griffey slides in CF, Swish moves to 1B, and Konerko helps set-up and take down the post-game spread. But as everyone knows, Junior ain't "Junior!" any more. He definitely can't play CF effectively, or without getting hurt. So wtf?

I don't really doubt Kenny Williams. The man brought the first World Series title to Chicago in almost a century. And everyone shat all over him this offseason, when all he did was bring in the best bullpen in the AL (of all time according to Joe Morgan), sign the Cuban Missile Alexei Ramirez for chump change, and there is that other guy... what's his name... oh, QQQQQ!!!!!. All for a pittance. And now Kenny wants, Junior. Kenny can have Junior, and the best lefty pinch hitter in baseball coming off the bench. Or whatever. 

My prediction is that there is another trade coming. We need to make some space if Junior is going to have any value. We'll see how the afternoon pans out.

But that's that. Junior is on the White Sox. I for one am psyched to see him in his alternate blacks. And I'll be standing and cheering like a mofo when he passes that greaseball, roided pockmark on the history of baseball, Sammy Sosa, on the all-time HR list. That will be a sight to behold.

So welcome to Title Train U.S. Junior. Get us a couple clutch hits this year, and we'll reward you with some nice hardware for the mantle back at home. Just stay away from the nerve tonic, and everything's gonna be all right.

-bb13

Open Letter to Nick Punto

(For those unfamiliar, Nick Punto is the below replacement level player currently occupying 3rd/2nd/SS  for the inexplicably successful Twins, who despite having roughly three decent players, remain only 1.5 games behind the AL Central leading White Sox.)


Dear Nick Punto,

All right buddy, the jig is up. Your clever ruse has been exposed. There is no way that you’re a professional baseball player. I’m sure you’re a nice guy, and you’ve certainly made the most of your (little) God-given talent. But seriously. It’s time to walk away.

Let’s face it, we’re all born with a destiny. Clearly you should just now be hitting your stride as a Division II, women’s softball coach, struggling with alcoholism and watching your marriage fall apart. Your nine year old son doesn’t respect you and your estranged wife may be dating the left fielder. You’re not sure, but they spend a lot of time together, braiding each other’s hair.

These are the problems awaiting you in real-life. Not “what should my plate approach be against Beckett tonight”, or “runner on first, 2 strikes, lets look for the 5-4-3 double play” or “I saw Mauer’s junk in the shower today…. magnificent.”

Lets face it. You shouldn’t have the honor of staring at Mauer’s balls day in and day out. That prize should be reserved for truly world-class athletes, captains of industry and visiting dignitaries.

The facts:

- You’re 5’ 9’’ and weigh almost 200 lbs. Your BMI is 28.8! That means you’re almost morbidly obese!! Come on man. You’re thinking “yeah, but Papi is fatter,” Sure, Papi is fatter, but he can fucking hit.

- You can’t hit (despite your .325 average, no one forgets your 52 OPS+ last year).

- You’re a middling fielder. Yet you play 7 positions? Why? Because you’re mediocre at all of them. Maybe practice at second and get good. At least you can be a defensive option.

- You can’t run.

- You wouldn’t start on ANY other team in baseball.

And yet, there you are, day in and day out in Minny. How do Twin’s fans deal with the apocalypse that is your daily presence? If it weren’t for the Twins’ inexplicable win streak, I’d almost feel sympathy.

Mauer – baller. Morneau – stud. Nathan – hard-ass mofo. As a White Sox fan, I can agree with all of that. But you, Nick Punto, represent everything incomprehensible and annoying about the Twins franchise. From what hole they scrap below replacement level players like you, I’ll never know. You are the fissure in the collective anus that is the Metrodome. Please retire now. Spare your grandchildren the shame.


-bb13