Cubs Press Release: Steve Bartman injected Sammy Sosa with Performance Enhancing Drugs

Tuesday night, Cubs officials issued a press release to renounce the statements made about Sammy Sosa relating to PEDs and also to provide unquestionable photographic evidence of the suspected assailant’s actions:

“We were deeply saddened to hear the allegations leveled against Chicago Cubs legend, Sammy Sosa, who by all accounts is a deeply devoted family man and champion of many charitable causes in the Chicago area as well as in his hometown of San Pedro de Macorís, Dominican Republic. Sammy has always been a hero to skinny teenagers who aspire to grow bulging muscles on every inch of their bodies, aided by a strong work ethic, a healthy smile, and the occasional unbanned substance.

Upon hearing the allegations, our thoughts drifted to a cryptic picture we received in the mail a few days ago. The man in the picture was none other than our old friend Steve Bartman; one hand trying to catch the infamous fly ball and the other hand vicously flinging what appeared to be a loaded syringe onto Wrigley Field. Right now, Steve Bartman is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of PEDs. Intelligence gathered by this and other organizations leaves no doubt that the Bartman regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal PEDs ever devised. We are learning more as we interrogate or have discussions with Bartman scientists and people within the Bartman structure, that perhaps he destroyed some, perhaps he dispersed some. And so we will find them. We'll find him. It'll be a matter of time to do so.

Legal action will be taken in the event that Bartman is apprehended. We would like to take this last moment to send a message to Cub Nation. If you see Mr. Bartman in the streets, please do not attempt to harm him [wink] or otherwise engage in any heinous act of vigilante justice [wink].”

VoML was unable to reach the Chicago Cubs front office to discuss the accusations that the photograph was doctored.

-PSon