Hoax-o Cinco?

It appears that this story is for real. As of yesterday, Chad Johnson has officially changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. I always assumed that all the bulletin board material, touchdown celebrations, and calling out of other athletes in other sports was just a part of the persona he created for himself. Just something to entertain the masses and keep his "brand" fresh. Now I don't know what to think. He may actually have some problems. Frankly, this is going pretty far. I think the guy is entertaining and wish him the best of luck but it's scary to think of what might happen to this guy without football. I can't wait to see how quickly the fantasy websites register the name change.

-PSon

Barack and Roll

This blog is known for 3 important things. Vaguely homoerotic crotch-gazing, poop jokes, and incisive, cutting edge, world-class political commentary.

Last night, ESPN aired a segment where Stuart Scott (who borrowed Kurt Rambis’ goggles for the occasion), played a little one on one b-ball and talked shop with the Democratic Presidential Nominee, Barack Obama.



From this interview we learned many important things about Senator Obama:

* As a lefty, he has the ability to drive and score with both hands. We all know what that means.

* Loves the Sweetness. And damned if that doesn’t hit home for this Chicago boy. Walter Payton was near the perfect Chicago citizen. I ride the train past Walter Payton Prep everyday. His other charitable deeds live on throughout the city. Walter was a great role model as a player and as a citizen. I’m honored that Barack recognizes this.

* Barack believes the Olympics should not be overly politicized (yes!). Yet states that Human Rights Abuses cannot be overlooked (double yes!).

* Barack also states that Selig should suck it up and deal with steroids himself. Instead of letting congress waste their time and taxpayer money cleaning up the mess Selig’s blissful ignorance left behind (quadruple yes!!).

* And finally, when asked about a Cubs vs Sox World Series, Barack has this to say:

"Who would you root for?'' Scott asked.
"Oh, that's easy,'' Obama replied. "White Sox. I'm not one of these fair weather fans, you go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, beautiful people up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball. Southside."

Southside. I can’t even imagine what I could possibly add to that. Speechless doesn’t do it. My words have left me. khohpuprebv;advskrbjah

After doing a touch of research for this important political piece, I also came across another wonderful little nugget. Here’s a transcript of the speech Obama read on THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE after the White Sox won the World Series. 

I love this man.

The only question I have left, and it keeps me up at night, is… if both Barack and Carlos Quentin were running for president… who would I vote for?

-bb13

U.S.A. Basketball & The Duality of Kobe

The team on the left is perhaps the greatest basketball team that ever walked (and maybe will ever walk) the earth. I know what your question is, what the hell is Christian Laettner doing there? That's really besides the point. This team was the pinnacle of American basketball. A collection of the best players in the NBA at the greatest possible time. You will be hard pressed to ever find a better group of players in their primes at the same time.

The team was crafted masterfully. You had two of the best distributing point guards in the history of game, Magic Johnson and John Stockton. Four dominant bruisers underneath, the graceful David Robinson combined with the brute strength of Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and Patrick Ewing. A dominant pure shooter in Chris Mullin combined with the versatile Scottie Pippen and Clyde "The Glide" Drexler made this team solid from top to bottom. Even the addition of a hustle guy (Laettner) showed that this team was engineered to excel in every aspect of the game. Of course this team was topped off with arguably the two best clutch players (and resident killers) in NBA history in the incomparable Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. I give you the Dream Team.

Prior to the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona, only amateur athletes were allowed to represent their countries in basketball in the Olympic Games. A ruling by FIBA in 1989 changed all that. The Dream Team steamrolled their opponents by an average margin of 43.8 points without ever calling a timeout. This team could have coached itself. The U.S. followed this up with Olympic wins in 1996 and 2000. It was apparent that the talent level in other countries was increasing and basketball fans saw the margin of victory slowly decrease. The culmination came in the 2000 semifinals against Lithuania when the U.S. narrowly escaped by 2 when Lithuania missed a last second three to take the win.

Team U.S.A.'s slide began in 2002 when a cocky American team finished sixth at the World Championships. The 2004 Olympics in Athens saw the U.S. team lose their first game playing with professionals against an upstart squad from Puerto Rico. They went on to lose twice more en route to a 3rd place showing. A bronze medal showing would be great (and sometimes even heroic) for a lot of countries but it was disastrous to U.S.A. basketball whose aura of dominance was no longer intact. It wasn't just their on-court performance. Off the court, the men's basketball team was seen by many in the U.S. delegation as being full of prima donnas, the players exhibiting a sense of entitlement and a standoffish attitude towards other Olympic athletes.

The international game is different and teams were exposing their weaknesses. They would collapse on players in the paint and force the U.S. to kick it out, exposing their Achilles heal... shooting. Their defense was not ready to guard teams with 4 and sometimes 5 dominant 3-point threats. Teams carved them up by kicking the ball around until they got an open shot, keeping them honest defensively.

Enter the Redeem Team. Team U.S.A. learned its lesson. No longer would they be able to get by on athletic ability alone. They would have to play as a team. Carmelo Anthony, one of the NBA's most polarizing young stars announced that his goal was to break the record for rebounds per game, a far cry from his reputation as a ball hog and cry baby. They added solid role players such as low post player Carlos Boozer, pure shooter Michael Redd, and hustle player Tayshaun Prince. Kobe Bryant, the MVP of the NBA this year took on a role as the defensive stopper which hurt his offensive capabilities but greatly improved the team's chances of winning. Team U.S.A. set itself atop the world once again with a finals victory against Spain. Dominant most of the time, gritty all the time. They made it a point to repair their selfish image, showing up to other Olympic events (swimming, volleyball, etc...) and actively showing support for their fellow Americans.

I'm not going to lie, I did not watch the finals game. I fully intended to stay awake but fell asleep immediately after the 3/4 game ended. I woke up to the sight of Kobe and Dwayne Wade celebrating together while being interviewed by Craig Sager (minus the flamboyant attire). I'm going to preface the following by saying that I've never been a fan of Kobe. In fact, he may be my least favorite athlete (save A-Rod). But for the first time, I think we may have seen the real Kobe. Kobe is the type of person who tries his hardest to make people think he's somebody he's not, trying to hide what he really is, selfish player, poor teammate, incredible athlete, crunch time killer... What I saw was a jubilant person, somebody who was truly proud of his team and what his teammates had accomplished.

After the interview, him and Wade locked in a giant embrace that could not have been fabricated. Everybody who has ever reached the pinnacle of their sport knows what it feels like. The feeling of having run the gamut of emotions with somebody (or a group of people) in order to achieve a singular goal. In this case, an Olympic medal. Maybe it's just the medal that does this to people. Maybe it's the weight of an entire nation being released from your collective shoulders. In either case, watching Kobe celebrate like a human really touched me. It takes a lot for me to say this but I hope that this was a turning point for Kobe because he works too hard to be the player he is, to be reviled by so many for his machine-like approach towards people. Teammates, opponents, fans, coaches, media... A player of his caliber affects them all whether he chooses to accept it or not.

Jay Mohr on Red Sox Fan... Carl's Jr.

If you don't listen to the Rome show, you may not know what's going on (and you may not understand some of the things I say) but occasionally Rome must go to the basement (go on vacation) so he invites some of his favorite guests to guest host for him. Jay Mohr (actor, comedian) is easily my favorite. Here's audio of two of his best takes on Wednesday. He had me laughing at my desk so hard, I had to take a pause it and take a walk.

Jay Mohr on Red Sox Fan:



Jay Mohr on Carl's Jr.:

An Ode To Grady Sizemore

This blog has been in existence far too long to not sing the praises of the one and only Grady Sizemore. The Cleveland Indians have had a disappointing season but Grady has been his free swinging self. Yesterday Grady mashed 7 RBI against the Kansas City Royals (yes it still counts). You think he crusssshm? Yes I know he crusssshm. I selected Grady with my second pick (after Ryan Braun) and was ridiculed for both. If there was a stat line for the amount of female fans, Grady would be the first pick. Just ask Grady's Ladies.

Wanted: A Brain, A Heart, And Some Tact

Swimming, track and field, and gymnastics are the Olympic events that NBC has been showing the most during prime time. This is not surprising since these are the events that draw the largest audience. While the announcers have been excellent, the sideline reporters have been nothing short of atrocious. While Andrea Kremer (swimming) and Bob Neumeier (track and field) have seemed disconnected from their respective events and the job they went to Beijing to do, the worst thing I have witnessed has been the hostility shown by Kremer, Neumeier, and Andrea Joyce (gymnastics) towards athletes who have just seen their hopes and dreams crumble.

Highlights include:

• Kremer repeatedly asking Natalie Coughlin why she can't seem to stop hugging the lane lines after Coughlin WON her semifinal heat. Coughlin was clearly not down with the questioning and instead of reading into that and moving on to another subject, Kremer asked her why she thinks she does it.


• Kremer's inability to engage the athlete in any way. There is no progression in her interviews. She asks a question, the person answers and hints at an insight into something crucial, Kremer asks the next question on her list. I haven't seen somebody mail it in this bad since Vince Carter.


• After the U.S. women were bested by the Aussies in the Women's 4x100 relay medley, Kremer asked them something along the lines of, "what went wrong" and promptly jammed the microphone directly in the face of Christine Magnuson, the woman who lost the most ground on her Australian opponent. To say she looked like a deer in the headlights would be an understatement.


• Joyce's verbal assault on distraught U.S. gymnast Alicia Sacramone after she almost singlehandedly lost the Women's Team Gold. All she needed was a hint of a tear and she was off. It was almost playful, like a cat batting around a mouse, just to see the terror in its eyes.


• Neumeier's interview with Wallace Spearmon following his disqualification in the 200m final. Spearmon found out midway through his "victory lap" (he originally took the bronze) that he was DQ'd for stepping on the inside lane. Spearmon hadn't had time to process what happened and Neumeier looked confused as to why Spearmon wasn't giving him long, drawn out answers. At one point, Spearmon said he would protest and Neumeier basically told him that he stepped out and asked him something like, "Really? You want to protest THAT?" Spearmon stood there, looking up at the big screen while Neumeier stumbled to find a pertinent question. Spearmon eventually walked away. It was awkward for everyone.

Like Melo needs more bling...

(We're gonna try a little experiment. This is VofML's first ever guest post. It's by a hustler from around the way, known only as "Redicks Nut Juice Cocktail". I don't know why he choose the name, frankly it makes me uncomfortable, but it's his life. Anyway, here we go.)

Team USA enters The Medal Round

First, if you haven’t been waking up early to watch Team USA rip through Olympic pool play, you’re not an American. In fact, you’re probably a terrorist.

So, in an effort to win hearts and minds, and distract you from your jihad, here are 5 Reasons Team USA Wins the Gold Medal.

1. Lebrobe Wade. As long as Lebron James, Kobe Bryant and Dwaywyayne Wade are patient and don’t force contested jump shots (as Kobe has done at times), these three are more untouchable than a Communist country trying to sneak 14 year old’s into the gymnastics competition in their own country.

(I didn’t want to call this next one “No Kirk Hinrich”, but …)
2. No Kirk Hinrich. Aside from the fact that Jason Kidd is suddenly about as mobile as George Muresan, our PG’s (Chris Paul and Deron Williams) have been magnificent. They never make bad decisions and either one can run the break flawlessly. Most important, both played big-time college basketball (which is really what International Basketball is ... just with better players and without deodorant). This means they know how to stay in front of people.

George Muresan might have a step on Jason Kidd these days. But from the looks of things, I’d say he’s got better things to do. Must be that cologne!

3. Zone Busting. In previous years, Team USA has gotten in trouble relying on jump shots against zone defenses. No more. This team treats zones like Charles Barkley treats margarine, slicing into it for hours until there’s nothing left. They are very methodical about getting GREAT shots, not just good ones.

4. A healthy dose of Pete Rose. The gambling nature of this team comes straight from Coach K. This type of overplaying defense is not played in the NBA. Ever. And a lot of these guys (Bron, Melo, Kobe) have never had to get in a stance, because they didn’t go to college. (Melo’s year of standing around in a 2-3 doesn’t count). Now they understand when to gamble, how to fight through screens, etc. Had Kobe gone to Duke as he says he would have, he might’ve been the best guard defender in college history. Yes, even better than Wojo.

5. They’ve got LEGS! This team doesn’t get tired, and there’s never a drop off when the 2nd unit checks in. In fact, Team USA has finished off most games with their 2nd quarter unit of Paul, Williams, Wade, Lebron and Bosh. Look for that lineup to continue to shit on people.

Update: Team USA sent the Aussies back to Prison Island this morning with a 116-85 whooping in the quarterfinals. DWill hit a big 3 at the halftime buzzer to make it a 12 point lead, and three’s by Kobe and Melo to open the 3rd quarter sparked a 14-0 run. Gametime. Next up: The winner of what should be a great game between Greece and Argentina.

-Redicks Nut-Juice Cocktail

Finally, I Feel Cold Again

It's not up for debate: The greatest Olympic accomplishments in the history of the United States were all about the political climate in which they took place. Eight Gold medals in one games is amazing Mr. Phelps. America loves you for it (and your epic flexing sessions). We always will. But Jesse Owens won four gold medals, romping around in Hitler's backyard, shredding the propaganda that aimed to dehumanize him. Americans (Are either of those girls 14? The one in the middle has the same body type as my 8 year old cousin. Nastia wants to punch her in the face and take her medal.) love a good upset, but The Miracle on Ice would've been one in a long line, but its not because it wasn't about winning a hockey game. It was about a bunch of U.S. amateurs beating the powerful Soviets at their game. It was a symbol of Americans' fighting spirit, and it told us that we were never going to let the Soviets and Communism win, no matter how daunting they seem.

But these days, ignorance as pervasive as Hitler's has lost it's international stage, and peace has long since disqualified the US and Russia from the international Arms Race. So where does that leave us? Michael Phelps and his posse of Lezak, Weber-Gale and Jones gave us as thrilling an Olympic moment as possible that didn't have political overtones (though France is about as hated a democracy as you can find these days in the U.S., and the pre-race shit talking/underdog combo did not hurt). That race was incredible on its own, and even greater because of it's implications for Phelps' quest for an Olympic record 8 Gold Medals.

But even while tracking Phelps' epic journey through 17 total races, I couldn't help thinking, "We're in China. What about all the prep-work we did before the games about Beijing's air quality and China's human rights violations? We don't like them. Let's start acting like it"

And now we have. It began with the ice beam American gymnast Nastia Liukin (ironically, of Russian blood) shot to her two Chinese opponents following her second place finish in the Uneven Bars. Liukin and gold medalist Kexin He finished the event with the same exact scores after doing routines with the same exact difficulty level, but He was awarded the gold because of completely arbitrary tie-breaker.

Apparently the U.S.'s baseball team is as deep in love with Nastia as I am. Shortly after Liukin's disappointing silver, the U.S. and Chinese baseball teams waged war on one another. Chinese pitchers hit 5 American batters, including a brutal head shot to top prospect Matt LaPorta (LaPorta was a big piece in the trade that sent CC Sabathia from the Indians to the Brewers a few weeks ago). The Chinese manager, Jim Lefebvre claimed that the LaPorta plunking was an honest mistake. But in the 5th inning, LaPorta collided with Chinese catcher Wang Wei in a play at the plate, knocking him out of the game. One inning later, Nate Schierholtz collided with back up catcher Yang Yang in another play at home plate. Both the Laporta and Schierholtz collisions were legal but definitely avoidable. The ball had not yet reached the catcher in either incident. These were kind of plays that doesn't happen unless the runner has a blatant disregard for both his and the catcher's health. Check out Nate Schierholtz stare down of Yang Yang after the collision. The Chinese baseball team isn't good enough for the U.S. win to carry the weight of International conflict. But both that game and the late stages of the gymnastic competition had the energy and tension that remind us that these Olympics games are as much about United States vs. China, in China's house, world power vs. world power, as anything else. I can't wait to see the next time that the U.S. and China butt heads.

Fistpumps Shout Out

If you guys get the chance, please take the time to check out a fellow blogger's site. Fistpumps.com is a site I check regularly and I just happened to peruse it this morning and noticed a shout-out to a certain fledgling blog. We have had it linked in the sidebar since the day we started this blog but now we ask that you guys check it out. Pimpness. May you all bask in the glory that is the fistpump.

Olympic Hardware - The Nuts and Bolts

Usain freaking Bolt. Never has there been a more fitting name for a person. I rescind the statement I made in a previous post about wanting to see Tyson Gay dominate Usain Bolt. What I'm now interested in is seeing Bolt embarrass anybody who attempts to step on the track with him. The best thing that ever happened to Tyson Gay was not running in that final. He saved a little face. Tyson Gay can still say it wasn't him competing against Bolt. Frankly, Bolt made anybody who has ever ran a 100m race look foolish.

For those who missed it, Bolt ran a world record 9.69 in the 100m event on Sunday. Breaking the record was great but what made it brilliant was the fact that Bolt effectively shut it down 20m from the end of the race. He was up by so much that he was able to put his arms out and pound his chest before he crossed the line. That display could be looked at as a show of defiance to the detractors and critics who said he was too young to be able to overcome the rigors of preliminary races and still be able to outperform the best in the world on the big stage.

His competitors and some sports "authorities" may not like it but his brand of braggadocio is a refresher in why sports are so great. The villain is just as important as the hero. They are arguably the two most important components in what motivates people to win (or spectate), love for their teammates (or favorite team) and hate for their enemies (or opponents). It was clear on Sunday that Bolt's intentions were to collect both the Olympic hardware and the souls of his competitors. Oh yeah, and he still has the 200m, which is considered his best event. Hide the women and children.

Here's To You Hammie

I've hit rock bottom. After being inundated with Hammie's story for the past 6 months I decided to mirror his unorthodox but highly effective blueprint to superstardom. Much like Enrique Iglesias I want to be your hero, baby. I want to bask in the glory of my past addiction.

Last night I woke up in a pool of my own vomit. I'm embarrassed to look anybody in the eye. I look in the mirror and see a shadow of a man. A shell of my former self. Innocence is lost. I smell like Crown 24/7. I struggle to finish an entire bottle every day. I'm on my way. A man once said, "In this country, you gotta get the addiction first. Then when you get the addiction, you get the rehabilitation. Then when you get the rehabilitation, then you get the redemption." Something like that.

I don't like this any more than you do. I hate whiskey. Can't stand the smell. But I will choke it down if that's what I need to do to succeed. You gotta sacrifice now in order to achieve greatness later. I'll see you all in 5 years, at the top.

Open letter to Juan Uribe

(Unlike some of the other posters here, I have not forgotten that there are other sports going on now besides the Olympics)

Dear Juan Uribe,

In your reasonably long tenure with the White Sox, I feel like you've never quite gotten your due. You've been saddled with some unfortunate nickames: Submariner, El Profundo. Management has done everything they can to get rid of you short of putting a FREE sign on you and leaving you on the front yard. Sox fans... sorta hate you... sorry man, but it's largely true. 

And through it all you've persevered. You've done everything asked of you, never complained, and goddamn if you've never given it your all every second you're on the field. And I'm here to tell you, I think you're pretty awesome. You're the Anti-Nick Punto. A veteran utility man that actually brings value to the table.

But why the hate? I think it's your hitting. I've often wondered whether or not you close your eyes at the plate and just swing as hard as you can. At every pitch. Sure, it leads to some exciting results, you've hit over 20 homeruns and driven in 70 runs in 3 seasons. That's damn good for a SS hitting 7th or lower. But it's average and your near chronic disability when taking walks. It leads to long, painful slumps.

What really sets you apart is your fielding. You're an amazing fielder. You were well above average in range at SS. And that arm. That cannon arm. I've never regular seen a SS backhand a ball in the hole then rifle a throw to first so consistently. At 2nd you were great, too good. I often felt bad for Paulie having to try and catch those missles fired from about 20 feet away.

But what has really been amazing is your play the last few weeks. Relegated to a super-sub role when we picked up O-Cab, you waited patiently on the bench, not unlike the fat kid in little league, just waiting for his shot. Well your shot came when Joe Crede's faulty back crapped out for the millionth time. We were like "shit, who plays third." We tried to bring up that hot-shot Jesus-lover Josh Fields, but damn if his whiny ass didn't shit the bed. So who steps up to play Gold Glove caliber defense at the hot corner? My boy Juan Uribe. You've been amazing lately. Saving runs and saving games with just stellar defense. Your cannon arm finally gets to shine. You've been playing great, and I want to thank you.

Plus, you have one of my top two White Sox moments ever.* Game 4 of the World Series, 

bottom of the 9th, up by one run. Some Astro douche hits a short fly sailing out of bounds, Joe "Gold Glove" Crede can't reach it, but you, my portly hispanic dynamo, come flying out of nowhere diving into the stands to make an amazing play. AMAZING. If that pretty-boy douche Jeter had done that it would have been regarded as the best play in World Series history. But you, workman-like as ever, saw a job that had to get done. And did it.**

So for all of that. I commend you Juan Uribe. Sure, sometimes you can't hit for a lick. But your presence on the field is a salve to defensive concerns to all our pitchers, and White Sox fans everywhere. 

-bb13

ps While writing this, Mr Uribe picked up the last of back-to-back-to-back-to-back homeruns (that's 4) versus the obnoxious, annoying Royals.

* #1 is definitely bringing El Duque in with the bases loaded and no outs versus the Red Sox. Then El Duque escapes unscathed... somehow. That's probably the best moment in White Sox history.

** I often think about if that play had been reversed, and an Astro fielder had to go into the crowd for an out during the World Series at U.S. Cellular. What would happen? Would it be the first instance of an MLB player getting shived on the field of play? We may never know.

Anything Is Possible

I have a problem. I can't stop watching the Olympics. No matter how ridiculous the event seems (synchronized diving??!!), I still watch and root with national pride for the U.S., very similar to the way I root for my fantasy baseball team (with personal pride at stake). During the Olympics, Phelps has become my Hammie, Lezak is my Doumit, May-Treanor and Walsh are my Braun and Clout. The U.S. Men's gymnasts became my Mark DeRosa, coming out of nowhere to win me over with their grit and versatility. I felt for Alicia Sacramone after she fell (twice) last night, the same way I felt for Tulo when he suffered an injury (his second of the year) when his bat broke and cut open his palm. Even the unheralded Men's Volleyball team has come out of nowhere to dominate, similar to Cliff Lee. The Olympics wouldn't be the Olympics without a scandal (Joey Cheek, the 14 year old Chinese gymnasts...), similar to the collusion allegations that plagued (and ultimately submarined) my Victorino/Tulo/Crede for Han-Ram/Larry trade.

I look forward to a future where Michael Phelps has 8 gold medals and Hammie has 165 RBI. I savour the thought of Tyson Gay dominating Usain Bolt like Papelbon dominates in the 9th. Heck, maybe the disappointing Men's Basketball team will get their gold medal and restore order to the basketball world like I expect/hope Eric Bedard does when he comes off the DL. Just ask my boy KG, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!

This Is Why I Watch The Olympics

I woke up this morning thinking about what I was going to say about what I saw last night. I then come to work and notice Ryan has beaten me to it. That should pretty much tell you how ridiculously amazing the Men's 4x100 free relay was. No pictures are needed. Ryan posted the only one that really matters, Michael Phelps and Garrett Weber-Gale celebrating just feet away from the French. Biceps flexed, abs clenched, letting out a primal scream. That's the American way. The announcer was so amped, he threw out the "who's talking now?" blast.

People who know anything about swimming in the NBC studio all said that it was the most amazing relay of all time. I say it was one of the most exciting sports experiences I've witnessed. I couldn't care less about swimming or water polo or beach volleyball but the Olympics change all that. There's something about national pride that draws people in. Consider these:

• Ryan posted about the incredible splits swam by Phelps and Lezak. It should be noted that Phelps ran the first leg, which is traditionally slower because the swimmers have to wait to hear the horn rather than see their teammates touch the wall. Bernard of France ran a blistering first 50m leg and extended his lead to .82 off the wall. Essentially Lezak gained 9 tenths of a second (he won by .08) on the world record holder in 50m.
• The U.S. team crushed the world record set by their own team (swam by Cullen Jones, and 3 swimmers who did not swim the final) in the semis. They beat the record by 4 seconds.
• 5 of the 8 teams beat the previous world record. That means the Italian and Russian teams, who did not even medal both bested the previous fastest time ever recorded.

Here's a clip:

Men's 4x100 Freestyle

"That might be the most incredible relay split I've seen in my entire life"
That was the exuberant call following the biggest upset of these 2008 Olympics to date. The United States were a heavy underdog to the French coming into this 4x100 Freestyle relay.

Michael Phelps set an American record on the opening leg. Jason Lezak, on the anchor, swam the fastest 100 meter split in the history of swimming, walking down the former 100 meter freestyle world record holder, Alain Bernard, in the process.

Prior to the race, Bernard was asked about racing the Americans in the 4x100 Freestyle. He responded, "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for,"

Until the final 25 meters, it appeared that Bernard's promise was going to hold true. But Lezak found some reserve that all precedent would dictate he not have. He made up .59 seconds on Bernard, whose 4x100 Freestyle excellence was a big reason for France being favored in the race. Bernard not only loses the race in the final stretch, but also loses his 100 meter Freestyle world record to Eamon Sullivan who went 47.24 in the opening leg of that race.

After congratulating Lezak, Phelps turned 90 degrees to his left, and screamed in excitement and vindication directly at the French team. This was the most memorable Olympic moment I can remember in my lifetime.

Brettie And The Jets

A Jet fan's wet dream or worst nightmare? After months of pining for him, Favre was introduced Thursday as New York's QB. Brett was spotted jogging out to the field holding a clipboard and playbook like the good teammate he is. Brett was later spotted throwing dimes to Jets cornerback Kerry Rhodes, just like old times. Rhodes later commented on how accurate his passes were and mentioned, "It seemed like hitting defensive backs in the numbers just comes so naturally to him. It's almost like this good ole boy from Mississippi is out on his ranch when he steps on the field, 'cept for instead of shooting ducks, he's throwing 'em."

Favre Jets To New York

I can't believe I'm the one breaking this story but the Packers have traded local diety Brett Favre to the New York Jets for a ham sandwich, potato skins, and a side of ranch. Boy does Brett Favre look happy to be there. Joe Montana wearing a Chiefs jersey thinks this is a bad idea. Anyway, the real reason I posted this is to pass along an email that Jim Rome read on his show that was too funny to fall by the wayside. "Hey Jim... I-N-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!"

My Lost and Found Man Crush

He burst on the scene as fresh and vibrant as any young prospect in the last 5 years. Nobody can get him out, he's crushing long balls, looking all too natural grazing the outfield grass next to Griffey Jr. Who wouldn't fall for him? Love is new, and exciting, but sometimes it makes you do things you regret. Sometimes the memories of the good times make you incapable of seeing the harsh truth that is the present: He's had 2 home runs, 15 rbi and is hitting .250 in his last 50 games. Sometimes it makes you keep boyishly goodlooking guys named Jay Bruce on your fantasy team.

I play fantasy baseball because, sometimes, its not so much about fake baseball teams and some alternate reality where you control the destiny of that team's success. Sometimes its about finding a very amusing metaphor for your real life. Here is one:

Remember when you were in High School and you were all into that girl, but then she started treating you like shit, but instead of breaking up w/ her, you just kept saying "maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll go back to the way it was..."

So you waste a few weeks being unhappy, but remaining hopeful. Then you finally decide you're done with it. You tell her its over. It feels so good to be liberated. But the greener hill of liberation quickly turns arid and dies. You arrive in school the next day to see Girl X rocking out a low cut shirt and a spunky devil-may-care attitude. "Fuck. I want her. I want her back. I'm an idiot. I cut Jay Bruce about a week ago. "Fuck you Jay Bruce, I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore" I said. But what does he do? He shoves it right back in my face. He goes straight to the salon, gets the manicure/pedicure/face lift combo and belts 3 homers in 4 games. But only after getting picked up by the guy who I made a side bet with (a bet whose value equalled that of my investment in the whole league) that I would beat him head to head in our final standings.

Please take me back, Jay. I was stupid. I'll never do it again. You're beautiful. I love you. Baby, I love you.

Bull In A China Shop

With the Olympics in Beijing quickly approaching, world-class athletes from all over are descending upon China and preparing to take their shot at the ultimate prize, an Olympic medal. Joey Cheek, the reigning Olympic 500m speed skating champion doesn't have to worry about attending. His visa which was originally approved, has been revoked by the Chinese government for unspecified reasons. News reached Cheek hours before he was set to leave for Beijing.

Perhaps it is only coincidence that Cheek is co-founder of Team Darfur, a human rights organization whose main purpose revolves around stopping the atrocities being committed in Sudan, a Chinese ally. One key initiative has been to persuade China to use its relationship with Sudan to have them lay down arms while the Olympic games are underway. Other members of the U.S. Olympic team and Team Darfur have received ominous statements of future harassment if they attempt to cause China embarrassment during the Games. This of course is in addition to the many other problems that have plagued China in their approach to hosting the Games.

China has well documented pollution problems. They spent boatloads of money to decrease the pollution levels but the problems seem to be worse than many think. There has been talk of the suspension of many endurance races (such as running and cycling events) as well as half-joking statements that some athletes were thinking of donning gas masks while participating. Don't be surprised if you see some sort of mask on some athletes who place personal health above Olympic glory.

Please take a second to look over the above picture. That is not a photo of a state-of-the-art pitch that will be used for field sports. That is the venue where the Beijing committee plans to host the Olympic sailing events. The algae you're seeing was in the waters of the Yellow Sea as recent as 6 weeks ago. An estimated 20,000 people have been "employed" to scoop this algae out of the water in order to have it ready by the time the Olympics begin.

As if the environmental problems weren't enough, reports of other "minor" problems such as rats eating ping-pong balls that have been in storage and questions of the structural soundness of Olympic podiums that have been built have also added to the capacity for failure of these Olympic games. I love the Olympic games and the ideals behind them so I will be watching and hoping nothing goes wrong and nobody get hurt but I can see the dark clouds and the imminent disaster they hold. It appears Joey Cheek may be the lucky one.

*(UPDATE) - Not 10 minutes after I finished writing this piece, I read a report that Lopez Lomong, a Sudanese born American citizen will carry the flag for the U.S. Olympians in the opening ceremony. This was voted on by the American team captains. This is a great gesture and will prove to be a great show of support for the people of Darfur. Bob Costas and Jim Nantz are feverishly preparing their puff pieces. Get your tear ducts ready.

A Lesson In Bitchings By Prof. B. Kittredge

I failed to mention that the previous Teabag column would be devoted to basketball teabags. This video is a great example of a teabag in the Ultimate world. Ultimate is a sport that has been gaining ground over the last 30-40 years and it will continue to, as long as athletes like Beau Kittredge populate it. Teabags are not as prevalent in ultimate mostly because the opportunity is not there. You won't see a defender "drawing a charge", nor do you ever have a situation where a defender wouldn't jump. As you can see from the video, the defender attempted to jump, probably trying to catch the disc at 7-8 feet. Not sure he was ready to go up to 11.

*Note - This catch appeared on ESPN SportsCenter's Top 10 plays of the day.

This was probably the most ridiculous skying I've ever seen. The defender in this picture was one of the top "big man" defenders in college Ultimate last year. He is jumping, not being touched, and his hand is a good foot and a half below Beau's who has tweaked his body to not foul the defender. A spectacular athlete.

Even Hitler Is Fed Up With Favre

The subtitles for the German film, Downfall have been altered many times but that fact doesn't make this clip any less funny.

The Weekend In Sports - A Pictorial

C.C. Sabathia and Prince Fielder react after a big win against Atlanta this weekend. Still waiting to hear from my sources as to whether or not they were reacting to the win or to the news that manager Ned Yost was taking them out for McDonalds and ice cream.

Brett Favre gets a call from Packers brass while hanging with some of his friends including Beverly Hills 90210 actor, Ian Ziering (on the left, sitting) and Detroit Red Wings great, Sergei Federov (on the right). He looks happy so the Packers must have informed him that he will be a Viking by the end of the week. Note the cutoff jean shorts, bowl haircut and tucked in white t-shirt.

Clark Street Hooligans

It's always been known that Cubs fans are the biggest bitches in all of baseball-fandom. They're all showy $300 prada sunglasses, blackberries and empty threats about something indeterminent happening in the oft-lauded, wholly misunderstood "next year." They're soft. They wear expensive jeans. They prefer fake tits and bleached hair to... baseball (not that I blame them, considering the century of futility they've endured). They are an annoying, but eminently forgettable breed.

Well, it seems a new strain of Cubs fan has reared it's frosty-tipped head in the Chicagoland area. The Cubbie-Hooligan. This new breed of ultra-douchebag now roams in large packs at out-of-state ball parks and the parties of children looking for dissenting voices to gang up on and pummel into submission. Case in point. 

The story, in short. One kid in the parking lot of Miller Park throws a Red Bull can at a bus full of Cubs fans. 3 Cubs fans get out and pummel the kid, sending him to the hospital. Way to go Cubs fans. The kicker, 

"The 34 year old from Joliet was cited for assault and battery after police said he punched his sister, who was trying to break up the fight."

Wow.

This news story comes on the heels of another incident, mentioned at the end of the above story. That story in short: 3 Cubs fans (notice a theme) attack a White Sox fan at the birthday party of a 2 year old, KICKING HIM IN THE FACE until he loses an eyeball. Another trip to the hospital.

Wow.

What have we learned? 

It takes exactly 3 pussified Cubbie-Hooligans to beat up a teenage Brewers fan. 

And 3 Cubbie-Hooligans to take out one White Sox fan. Unfortunately that's roughly the ratio of Cubs fans to Sox fans in Chicago. 

Way to go Cubs fans, celebrate your team's success with public beatings and mob behavior. Acting like an individual has never been the strong point of most Cubs fans, but that was forgivable when limited to throwing garbage on the field and not watching baseball.

Unfortunately we can add mob behavior and assault and battery to the list of reasons to hate Cubs fans. I think it comes before the constant whining. And right after the constant date-rape.

-bb13

P.S. And yes, I know White Sox fans are known for being white-trash and attacking players on the field. Well, that was a long time ago and we've been a well-behaved lot since. Winning a World Series will help cool off a fan base. Something Cubs fans know nothing about.

P.P.S When was the last time a fan charged the field and attacked someone? Oh yeah, at Wrigley. Thanks and goodnight.

The Art of the Teabag

Nike was slated to run an ad campaign aimed at people with a sense of humor but earlier this week, word came through the wire that Nike pulled the ad campaign after they received pressure from certain parties. The ads were deemed offensive to certain groups so predictably, Nike pulled the ads. The posters depicted a man on the receiving end of what has become the ultimate display of power in sports, the teabag.

Like the alley oop or the drag bunt, the teabag is an art form. You have to know when to go for it and when not to. For every guy depicted on a poster with another man's package in his grill, there is another who attempted the teabag only to be brutally rejected, ultimately lying on his back like Sonny Liston.

The same goes for the defender. You have to know when to contest a shot and when to get out of the poster. Some guys (Yao Ming) have no shame and they will stand in front of a charging foe like a stiff and invariably take nuts to face on a nightly basis. Then there are guys like Tim Duncan, savvy players who only contest shots they know they can get to, wary of the stigma of the ball-chinian. Here are examples of 5 of the greatest teabags ever put to film:

1. Hakim Warrick over Royal Ivey
This is a classic example of a dunk I like to call the Guillotine. This type of dunk happens when a smaller defender tries to draw a charge on a player streaking to the hole. This is a clear example of a guy who doesn't know how to pick his spots. You have to know who you're playing. That's not Gerry McNamara coming at you. That guy is primed for a hefty NBA contract and nothing will stop him from putting you on Sportscenter's Top 10.


2. Kobe Bryant over Dwight Howard
Kobe welcomes the up-and-comer with a Guillotine hybrid. MMA fans know this as the triangle choke so we'll call it the Triangle. The only difference between this one and the Guillotine is that the defender is making an attempt to block a shot without jumping. This one is only for the foolhardy which is why it mostly happens to young players and Shawn Bradley.


3. Carmelo Anthony over Jerome Williams
This is a borderline teabag. The defender made the correct play in this instance in attempting to get out of the play but the offensive player pulls him in to create the illusion of a teabag. That's why this is called the Copperfield.




4. Danny Green over Greg Paulus
This is why point guards should never provide help defense to a big man. You're either going to get jumped over or receive what I like to call the Crazy Horse. You're too short to draw a charge. At best, the guy is going to nick the top of your head (or scalp, thus the Custer reference) and cause you to tumble to the ground. This will always result in you being straddled and receiving the Ali stare down.



5. Vince Carter over helpless international player
This dunk is just a product of different cultures. The 7 footer did everything like he was taught. He stood 3 feet from the rim, set his feet and waited for the smaller player to dish to a teammate. Vince Carter's culture is to embarrass people. Hence the tag, the Emasculator. You can see the guy cower and attempt to run for cover but he's already engulfed in what most people call the Spread Eagle, but I call it the teabag corral. When you are in the teabag corral, you have no recourse. This guy is no doubt still having 'Nam-like flashbacks about his first (and only) tour of duty against Team U.S.A.