Stephen Hawking unmasked as mastermind behind sinister plot to destroy Major League Baseball

In a plot seemingly taken from an episode of Scooby Doo, authorities have apprehended theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking following his latest attempt to besmirch Major League Baseball. Hawking was caught after a cryptic packing slip arrived on the desk of ESPN columnist and resident baseball geek, Tim Kurkjian. The slip came from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO) a San Francisco based "sports supplement" company. BALCO has been all over the news for years, we know they shipped steroids to athletes however only the dumbest of the dumb had steroids shipped directly to their house. The addressee on this slip caused Kurkjian to recoil in horror and spray Green Tea all over his desk... it was Derek Jeter.

Even the smartest of criminals eventually get caught. Some just want that last big heist before they retire, others can't stop because they live for that rush of adrenaline, and then there are the few that actually want to get caught. Being infamous is more important than being free to some. Hawking proved to be in the latter when he tried to take down America's sweetheart. Kurkjian promptly alerted authorities that some sick individual was trying to frame Jeter. It didn't take long before authorities pulled that night's surveillance tapes from ESPN headquarters and found MLB commissioner Bud Selig sneaking into Kurkjian's office. Selig was detained at Bradley International Airport in Bristol while trying to board a plane to Milwaukee. Later that night, detectives would uncover a horrifying tale full of intrigue, jealousy, and vengeance.

Bud Selig came onto the baseball scene in 1970 when he purchased the Seattle Pilots franchise and inexplicably moved them to Milwaukee, the team name was later changed to the Brewers. Selig bided his time until 1992 when he became acting commissioner of MLB. It was widely assumed that Selig amassed his fortune and worked his way from minority owner of the Milwaukee Braves to owner of the Milwaukee Brewers to Commissioner of Major League Baseball with old fashioned hard work and a lot of elbow grease. The truth? Wormholes, time travel, and time manipulation.

Stephen Hawking spent much of his life developing his theories on time travel but this was all just a means to an end for Hawking, in this case the "end" refers to his need to destroy Major League Baseball. In his early 20s, Hawking started to develop amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), the disease that would cost him almost all neuromuscular control. ALS is most commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. This fact haunted Hawking for many years as despite his many years of groundbreaking research in various scientific fields, Hawking felt he was publicly defined by his debilitating disease rather than his life's work. Those thoughts morphed into an intense jealousy of Gehrig who he believed unworthy to be recognized as the face of ALS as his contribution to society was much greater.

Hawking waited for years, refining his theories on time travel until scientists developed a cure for ALS. Hawking slowly gained control of his bodily functions to the point where he could more efficiently work on his research. Then one day, an amazing breakthrough led to the world's first time manipulation device. Hawking's plan was set in motion. He started by purchasing a sports almanac and traveling back to 1982. Hawking needed a new identity and chose the name Bud Selig. He lived in Las Vegas long enough to make a fortune in sports betting. In an attempt to stay under the radar, he moved to Milwaukee, purchased a team and moved them there.

During Selig's interrogation, he listed a number of negative events he was personally responsible for, here are a few of the most sensational:

• During the 1989 season, Selig froze time just before Jose Canseco gave Mark McGwire a post-shower ass slap. He placed a syringe in Canseco's hand who continued to plunge it into McGwire's rear. McGwire was incensed until he blasted three home runs the next day with one coming on a check swing. The rest is history.
• During the 2000 World Series, while Roger Clemens attempted a put-out at 1st base, Selig froze time and placed the end of a sawed off bat in Clemens' hand and positioned him towards Mike Piazza. Clemens fired the bat at Piazza and America caught a glimpse of 'roid rage.
  
• Nobody knows that the Chicago Cubs won the 2003 World Series because soon after Selig got a taste of Cub Fan's front running attitude, he went back to the NLCS and positioned Steve Bartman's glove above Moises Alou's, just as Alou was about to make a pivotal put-out. Selig then lifted Alex Gonzalez' glove as he was about to cleanly field a ground ball in the same inning. The Cubs self-destructed and Cub fan went home content with the knowledge that some things never change.
• In 2007, Selig planted a syringe and bloody tissue in Brian McNamee's doublewide with a sticky note that simply said, "Roger Clemens DNA ;)."
• In 2008, Selig destroys his own credibility by threatening to suspend Alex Rodriguez for admitting steroid use on a survey test he took 5 years ago that he was promised (by MLB) would be confidential. He was 1 of 104 people who failed the test yet none of the other 103 people have been named and they are not in danger of being suspended.
  

As he was taken away by officers, Selig/Hawking remarked, "I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for that meddling Kurkjian."

-PSon