Special Report from Cub-dumb

Another guest post from the inimitable Redick's Nut Juice Cocktail

IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

That’s the takeaway that idiot Cubs fans need to understand. Key word “idiot.” I’m a Cubs fan through and through, always will be. But I’d also like to think of myself as a rational human and sports fan.

Also, I’m not saying “it’s never gonna happen” because it might. I pray that it does. It just won’t happen this year, and there are some among us who need to take off the blinders, dilute the Kool Aid and − as The Real World tells us − start getting real.

Last night, as Carlos Zambrano got yanked after 3 earned runs in 6 1/3 innings (a 4.26 ERA), roughly half my section arose to give him a standing ovation. Granted I was in the bleachers, which significantly lowers our Section IQ. But a standing ovation for your ace giving up 3 runs? Are we Cardinals fans? One guy’s argument was literally “It’s a quality start, what do you want?”

I’m tired of these buffoons giving the rest of us a bad name. Do we really need to stand up for a full count with 1 out in the second inning of a scoreless game? Why are we dancing and singing along to Eddie Vedder’s trendy new Cubs song down 5-2 in the 7th inning of Game 1?

Be a real fan, and just sit there looking pissed off. I’m not a big advocate of booing, but I’d rather boo Big Z last night than give him a standing O.

Just think, if I had more money and was a “Jersey Guy”, this could have been me!

Lastly, calling the whole thing a curse is a copout. The only curse this franchise has is that it signs marquee players who choke every October. (See Derrek Lee: Zero RBI in ‘07 and ‘08 NLDS; Alfonso Soriano: .130, Zero RBI; Aramis Ramirez: .100, Zero RBI)

The curse simply adds to the Orwellian utopia that these morons live in. To make their Friendly Confines experience even more rosy next year, perhaps we could join hands and sing about the curse at the end of every 3rd inning:

Oh the black cat’s a-comin’, there’s nothin we can do/
Just drink a beer and smile and cheer, cuz that’s what Cubs fans do!/
And if you feel the urge, to boo or disapprove/
Remember that the Billy Goat Curse is the reason that we lose!

At the end of the day, I really do hope that they prove me wrong. Because if they do, you better believe I’ll be dancing and singing in the streets like an idiot. Until that day comes, I’m just gonna sit here looking pissed off.

-Redicks Nut Juice Cocktail