Open Letter to Nick Punto

(For those unfamiliar, Nick Punto is the below replacement level player currently occupying 3rd/2nd/SS  for the inexplicably successful Twins, who despite having roughly three decent players, remain only 1.5 games behind the AL Central leading White Sox.)


Dear Nick Punto,

All right buddy, the jig is up. Your clever ruse has been exposed. There is no way that you’re a professional baseball player. I’m sure you’re a nice guy, and you’ve certainly made the most of your (little) God-given talent. But seriously. It’s time to walk away.

Let’s face it, we’re all born with a destiny. Clearly you should just now be hitting your stride as a Division II, women’s softball coach, struggling with alcoholism and watching your marriage fall apart. Your nine year old son doesn’t respect you and your estranged wife may be dating the left fielder. You’re not sure, but they spend a lot of time together, braiding each other’s hair.

These are the problems awaiting you in real-life. Not “what should my plate approach be against Beckett tonight”, or “runner on first, 2 strikes, lets look for the 5-4-3 double play” or “I saw Mauer’s junk in the shower today…. magnificent.”

Lets face it. You shouldn’t have the honor of staring at Mauer’s balls day in and day out. That prize should be reserved for truly world-class athletes, captains of industry and visiting dignitaries.

The facts:

- You’re 5’ 9’’ and weigh almost 200 lbs. Your BMI is 28.8! That means you’re almost morbidly obese!! Come on man. You’re thinking “yeah, but Papi is fatter,” Sure, Papi is fatter, but he can fucking hit.

- You can’t hit (despite your .325 average, no one forgets your 52 OPS+ last year).

- You’re a middling fielder. Yet you play 7 positions? Why? Because you’re mediocre at all of them. Maybe practice at second and get good. At least you can be a defensive option.

- You can’t run.

- You wouldn’t start on ANY other team in baseball.

And yet, there you are, day in and day out in Minny. How do Twin’s fans deal with the apocalypse that is your daily presence? If it weren’t for the Twins’ inexplicable win streak, I’d almost feel sympathy.

Mauer – baller. Morneau – stud. Nathan – hard-ass mofo. As a White Sox fan, I can agree with all of that. But you, Nick Punto, represent everything incomprehensible and annoying about the Twins franchise. From what hole they scrap below replacement level players like you, I’ll never know. You are the fissure in the collective anus that is the Metrodome. Please retire now. Spare your grandchildren the shame.


-bb13